It was Negative

No big surprise and I'm not as upset as last time, at least not yet. I'm still pretty numb. I'm not sure what we'll be doing next, we're definitely going to start putting together adoption info but I don't know if we'll do a FET during or not.

Financially I don't know if doing both is feasible or not. I don't even know how many of our snowbabies are left. The nurse is e-mailing me w/ that info though.

I also don't know if emotionally I can keep doing this, I don't want to waste much more time. If I had a crystal ball and knew it would work soon of course I'd keep going but w/ not knowing part of me wants to just focus on the next step.

The idea of giving up on being pregnant is SOOOO hard. I spent most of my life thinking pregnancy wasn't even possible but once I learned of Donor Egg in my late teens it was something that became improtant to me.

Debating between letting go of expreincing all that goes w/ pregnancy vs. wasting time on something that might not work but if it did would be amazing is tearing me apart right now.

To add insult to injury I have to face the holidays and seeing J.K. (godbrother's wife) either about to give birth or w/ a newborn. I love the holidays and I hate that IF is ruining them for me. I'm dreading sitting through Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Christmas dinner and all the other get togethers we're at w/ them during the holidays. What I hate most is that I'm bitter enough right now to feel like that.

Not Good News

I took an hpt today and it was negative. W/ the beta being tomorrow I'm thinking the FET didn't work. There's a tiny possibility that I'll be surprised tomorrow but I doubt it.

I'm just at a loss, it kills me that I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth. When I was home for Labor Day my family was doting on my gobbrother's pregnant wife and it's awful but I hate that I might never get to be the pregnant one that everyone is looking after. I so wanted to have morning sickness, and sonograms, and cankles, and feel my baby kick inside me.

I don't know if DH and I are going to try 1 more FET or not but right now I am just tired and want to be a mom. I hate that we have to deal with this...

2ww :(

I HATE the 2ww. It's driving me crazy and I've got 3 days to go. I'm so scared it didn't work and what that would mean for us.
DH wants to do one more FET but I'm not sure about taking the time to do that before we move forward w/ adoption. Then again part of me thinks maybe the 3rd time would be the one that works and we have the snowbabies so why not. The worry I have is that the wait for your average domestic or international adoption is a year to 2 yrs and I don't know if I can spend anymore time before starting that process w/o driving myself crazy. Not to mention that I need to have made some type of progress towards being a mom before Christmas or seeing my godbrother's extremely pregnant wife will kill me and ruin my favorite time of year. I can handle it if I'm pregnant or we're in process for adoption b/c I can remind myself that I'll be a mom too, eventually.
Of course this FET might be a BFP and it'll be a non-issue. I hate how the 2ww screws w/ your mind. I'm trying to stay busy and keep myself distracted but it's only working up to a certain point. I really wish I could just fastforward to Tuesday and know one way or the other.
I'm watching North and South which is 24 hrs of distraction and a favorite of mine (patrick swazye in the eighties was awesome).

Heading Home

We fly out in the morning and I'm so ready to get home. I miss our furbaby and our bed. So far bedrest has been fine, the nice thing about doing this oot is that the 2ww won't start getting to me until we get home.

I'm going to try to hold out for Beta day and test that morning so I know what to
expect but we'll see if I can hold to that. I'll only have 5 days or so to get through.

Right now I feel very good about things, I don't know if it's wishful thinking or instincts but for now I'm hopeful and optimistic. This is why I added the ticker I want to enjoy this optimism while it lasts.

I'm actually thinking in terms of if it works and if so how we'll tell. What stinks is that people know approximately when we should know (thanks to our BFN cycle and memories that are too good).

I want to tell our parents in person but mine live 5 hrs away. I kinda told my mom I'd love for them to come out next weekend, which should be the day after our 2nd beta if it works, so I'd have a distraction. I'm hoping they can so we can tell both sets at the same time. Mine didn't get to hear about the engagment in person so I feel like they should get this at least. It would be different if they were both away but Banks' parents get all this stuff and it bothers my Mom.

If I were asked to name the chief benefit of the house, I should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace.
Gaston Bachelard

Back from FET

It went well, transferred 2 blasts that thawed well. The only bad thing was we had to wait about an hr to go back. The waiting room was full of kids hile we were there which was crazy to me.

The actual transfer was smooth and quick.

I just have to make it to Tuesday 9/22 for the Beta. Since we'll be here till Thurs I'm hoping the next week passes quickly. Still feeling good and DH is waiting on me hand and foot.

Here's a pic of the embies we transferred.

Off to FET

Getting ready to head to FET. After getting in late last night we crashed and then we got up way too early. At least we can get some sleep today ;)

I'm hoping 2 of our 10 thawed well and things go well. I'm getting a little nervous and I'll feel better once we get there and know for sure what's up.

All in all I'm feeling really positive so we'll see. I'll update later.

we're set!

FINALLY!! We're ready to move forward w/ the FET, transfer will be on 9/14. I can't wait. I'm feeling optimistic and excited it just feels like things are falling into place at last.

Lining was a 9 triple stripe so that's perfect, TSH was good as was everything else so we're set to go.

Banks and I will have to make the travel arrangements tonight or tomorrow and then we'll be set.

I'm doing crinone and pio this time, mixing it up a bit to see what happens.

I couldn't resist and if/when the FET works I'd be due June 1. That just seems cool for some reason. As you can tell I'm not doing so great w/ not getting ahead of myself. For now though I'm happy and excited and that's all that matters.

We're Back on Track

We're on our way to our FET again. I had my baseline u/s and b/w this morning (a story in itself) and it came back fine. I started estrace, 3 orally and 1 vaginally daily. I have my lining check on September 2 and if it's nice and fluffy we'll do our FET around 9/9.

So yesterday at work was insane and crazy and I called the monitoring clinic once and didn't get the scheduler. Someone came up so I didn't get a chance to leave a message and then I didn't get a chance to call them back. So I got up and got there at 7 nd threw myself on their mercy, they didn't have time to work me in then but had an opening at 8:30 so I take it.

I leave and go to work and sign in early then leave and take lunch and head over. I get there and there's a man sitting in the waiting area w/ a little girl who's probably about 3. Normally I don't see having kids there as a big deal, it's rude but oh well, however they don't allow children in the treatment area so he basically came to sit w/ the little girl, my question is why. He couldn't go back w/ his wife so why not just stay at home w/ the little girl while the wife went to the appointment? Then the wife comes out and proceeds to fix the little girl's hair in the waiting room. Now I could understand this if it was a hot day but it was still very cool why not take her out to the car and fix her hair there? Anyway the whole situation just bugged me.

all that matters though is that we're set, I've started my meds and w/ a little luck in abut 4 weeks I'll be officially ku.

No Go

Dr. wants to cancel, between my thyroid and my lining only being an 8 he thinks it's smarter to start fresh and try next month.

He want to get my TSH down a little more and get my lining thicker. Hopefully next month will go better.

This cmpletely sucks. :(

It's never easy

Ugh it's been a less than stellar day. Went in and had my u/s, it was fine I had an 8 triple stripe lining.

I call the oot coordinator nurse around 10 and finally get a call back around 1, she tells me the dr. wants my TSH checked before we finalize things, why she couldn't tell me that before I don't know. Pati was definitely more organized and on top of things than this nurse.

I take an hr off work and run get it done, of course they close before the results get there but I'm able to get the results.

My tsh is 5.4 which is high normal depending on the scale. I'm now in the waiting zone, I have no idea whether he's going to ok the cycle or not. I really really don't want another delay.

So basically I'm stuch waiting until Monday to see what he says, I'm really hoping when they're in tomorrow morning they'll see it and let me know something but I don't know if they will. I need to know to what the plan is.

Any good vibes my way would be appreciated.

After everything we're going through for this fet it really has to work.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

Banks and I celebrated our anniversary last night. We went to the melting pot and it was fun. We had a lovely night out and really enjoyed ourselves.

I'm getting anxious for our fet. I'll be going in for my lining check Friday and we'll know then if we're all set. I feel really good about things and I'm a lot less nervous than w/ our fresh. I'm hoping that's a good sign.

I'm really ready to start looking into adoption if this fet doesn't work, we may still do one last fet just b/c we can but I don't think I can do this for much longer.

I look at some of the women who have been pursuing this for years and I can't imagine the strength it takes to keep at it time after time. I'm ready to look to the next step and focus on being a Mom.

That's the update.

Good News!!!

The retest came back at 3.2 which is a little high but fine. The Endocrinologist is going to readjust my meds a tiny bit but has greenlighted the cycle.

Our best guess is that a lab tech wrote 282 and put the decimal in the wrong spot.

Anyway, I'm extremely excited and can't wait to move forward w/ our fet. I'll be starting estrace tomorrow and then having a lining check August 10!

I'm so excited. I feel like this is a good sign, despite the craziness of yesterday.

FUIF

Got the tsh back and according to their lab it's 28.2
I almost lost it right then and there at work out of frustration. The nurse thinks it might be a lab error so she wants me to retest tomorrow at a different lab to double check it.

I can't believe it went from .26 to 28.2 in 1 month while on meds. I could see it getting high but for it to get that high I'd almost have to be on no meds at all.

I'm trying to hold onto hope that it is lab error but right now I just want to say FUIF and break something. I'm so tired of this crap and I just want to be able to cycle already.

Part of it was I really felt great about the timing, I'd be due in early May before it got ridiculously hot. My mom would only be able to come for a few days for the birth and then have to go back to work until June which would give me time to adjust w/o her breathing down my neck.

I'm trying not to cry out of frustration right now. I'm so sick of having to plan our lives around IF and I hate being stuck at my job b/c I need time off for IF treatments and don't want to waste time building up time at a new job first. Not to mention needing the money.

Basically I'm sad, angry and frustrated. I'll update tomorrow.


"Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.”
Eric Hoffer

Testing

So AF showed on schedule Friday, and I e-mailed the clinic to set up things on the hope that my TSH is normal. The nurse L said to set up my baseline u/s and bloodwork, which includes TSH, for Monday. The only issue is that the monitoring clinic here hd closed for the weekend 30 minutes before. So I have to schedule it Monday morning. Tuesday should be allright, correct? I'm on HRT and I've stopped it so it should be fine, I think. If not I guess I'll have to try to get in and take lunch and go.

I'm so nervous. I'm so ready for this FET. So I'm hoping that I can get the baseline stuff done and then start the process. I'm worried that my TSH won't be normal and I won't be able to go forward right now.

Anyway, if you don't mind sending good thoughts my way that the TSH and all other levels are where they should be I'd really appreciate it.

Froggie went A-Courting

I had the strangest thing happen today that seemed like a really good sign so I wanted to post about it. (even if it's really silly)

Growing up my godmother and godfather would sing Froggie went A-Courting to me when we were hanging out.

They were battling IF for the second time struggling to have baby #2 b/c of endo so they spent a lot of time w/ me and have always treated me as their honorary daughter so I heard it a lot. They did eventually have a little girl when I was older and she and I are very close.

Today I was driving to the store on my lunch break and I notice this little tree frog sitting on the front of my car. I watched it the whole way to Ta*rget and it stayed there. When I got there I parked by some trees and it didn't move and I chased it off and then it jumped on me (on my stomach)then onto the ground.

For some reason it felt like a sign that things were going to work out. For some reason it felt like the frog represented us trying and if it made it we'd have our baby. This was also just after I'd talked to my Endocrinologist's nurse about rechecking my tsh and set that up. Silly or not it felt good to feel real hope again that the FET will work and I will be a Mom.

Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride.
With a sword and a pistol by his side, Uh-huh
-Froggie Went A-Courtin'
Bob Dylan

Counting Down

I'm anxiously waiting to get my TSH checked. I could go next week or the week after that. Part of me wants to wait an extra week just to be safe and give it the best chance. I'm so ready to know though so I don't know if I can handle aiting an extra week.

I'm really hoping that we can cycle in August, looking at the calendar I think it's going to be August 21st at the soonest. We could try to make August 14 work but it would be a stretch to get everything lined up by then.

Anyway, I'm so ready I'm tired of waiting and I'm really hoping to be ready to go ASAP.

There's not much else going on we had a great long weekend at the beach which was really nice. Other than that it's the same old thing.

Bring on the Rain

I got a pregnacy anouncement that hit me hard. Normally they don't really bother me beyond a minor twinge but this one really hurt.

My godbrother/family friend and his wife are expecting due in January. I'm very happy for them they are both great people but it hurts. Their due date is the same as ours would of been if our cycle had worked hit me hard. On top of that I'm freaking out that it's going to take forever to get my TSH back up and we won't be able to cycle for months, then it won't work and we'll be waiting another year+ to adopt. Basically my mind is heding into the worst case scenario territory which is SO SO SO not good for me.

I'm going to take a long bath w/ an adult beverage watch a sappy movie and cry it out. :(

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
JoDee Messina

TSH results in

and it's not good. It's only come up to .26 (from .22)after 4 weeks so we've lowered my meds again and I'll have to wait another 4-6 weeks to check it again and for our FET.

I just want this to happen already. Maybe this is a sign that we should quit and go straight to adoption, but I'm so not ready to do that yet. I really want this to work and I'm getting so frustrated with waiting. I want to be pregnant and have our baby.

I'm getting scared it's going to take months to get my TSH back in line and we'll have lost all this time, and if it takes too long maybe only get 1 FET before the year is up. I really really really want to do our FET soon.

I'm pretty disappointed/upset about this even though it's no one's fault. I'll e-mail the FET nurse monday and get a plan together. Hopefully I can go off my HRT and that way if the tsh comes back normal next time we can immediately start working on the FET w/o waiting for me to suppress. Even with that the absolute soonest we can cycle will be early to mid August which makes me sad.

Seriously....

Banks is an idiot.

I went to see the proposal tonight w/ the female members of DH's family, it was really fun and we had a great time, the movie was really funny and cute! However, at dinner MIL mentions the immediate family's trip to the Beach (MIL, FIL, BIL, and us) which I tell her I'm looking forward too and ask when we're going, she says July 17th. Apparently DH was a dumbass and when she asked said that weekend was fine. I get home and ask him about it and he says he had no clue. Really b/c we had a detailed convo about it ohh a month ago!!!

In his defense he's the worst (or best) person to talk too when he's watching tv, he has no clue what you're saying, I thought he was listening but apparently not. So now I have to either postpone a week or more :( or miss out on the beach which I'm really looking forward too.

I'm so irritated with him right now. All he had to do was call me and ask, he knew we were planning the FET for July so why didn't he check with me about it?

Anyway, I'm annoyed but I'll deal.

T-3days

3 days and counting until my thyroid test. I'm impatiently waiting to see what the results are.

I so so so want to transfer on July 17, it's silly but it seems like such good timing. I'd be due right around Easter which is a such a hopeful time. It would be wonderful not to mentn that my Mom would be off for spring break which would be geat.

It would be such a let down having to wait again. I just want this cycle to work so I'll do what I have to but I can't help but hope it'll be sooner than later.

Anyway, hoping to have lots to update soon.