Finding the Silver Lining

I found the silver lining to the delay. The more I think about it given how incredibly low my TSH was(TSH was .22) I really think it was probably low when we cycled which could have prevented implantation. If that was the problem given how good our embabies look if we fix my TSH then there is every reason to expect the FET to be a complete success, especially w/ transferring 2.

So I finally truly got my hope back and feel excited and optimistic about the FET leading us to our BFP!

So despite the delay and my initial reaction as always every cloud has a silver lining.

I'm also going to take June and get serious about getting healthy. I've been trying but it hasn't been working, given my TSH that's no surprise, so I'm going to start fresh on June 1 w/ the 30 day shred and dieting. So wish me luck!

I run to you

So things are much better here. I actually had a random thought about the FET working the other day, the first time I've been truly hopeful about it since the BFN.

It got me thinking and as much as the BFN hurt and was awful something good came of it. Banks has said all along that he was worried about what it would do to us if DE didn't work (b/c it was so important to me). I think it made us both feel better that as w/ most things it's just brought us closer.

I think it made Banks feel a lot better that even at it's worst he could make it better. He's such a guy and he hates not being able to fix things for me. We did what we usually do when things get rough and we turned to each other. I still wish the cycle had worked but at least something good came out of it.

Right now we're just waiting for my next AF so we can plan the FET. I'll let Pati know when it comes and we'll go from there. It'll hopefully be sometime in June, preferably on a Friday.

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
"I run to you" Lady Antebellum

NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) I thought I'd post this, it's perfectly describes what I feel and where I'm at in our journey to parenthood.

All over the place

I'm still hanging in. I just wish I was in a better place emotionally, I'm all over the place.
I'm scared it won't work one minute, sure it will the next, terrified that we're wasting time when we could be pursuing adoption after that.

I think part of it is (and I know that this is stupid and not true) I feel like I failed on my part. The donor did awesome and gave us 17 mature eggs, Banks did his part and we ended up w/ 20 good to great embies all that was left was for the embie we transferred to settle in nice and snug for the next 9 months. So while I know better I still feel like I was the one who let us down. At least some of the time, the rest of the times I know better and it doesn't bother me.

So I'm making a little progress, and I start the 30 day shred today which will hopefully get me in great shape bef0re our FET.

I'm OK

I’m doing ok. Yesterday was much better than Weds, and today is better than yesterday. I gave myself yesterday to be down and upset as much as I wanted and got it out of my system.

I e-mailed Pati about doing a FET and that timing is fine I’m supposed to e-mail her around Mem. Day. to set up a schedule for the FET.
I’m actually feeling pretty optimistic, w/ so many great frosties I feel like this FET has a pretty good chance of working. The only thing that has me nervous is that the FET success rates there are on the low side, I think that’s from before they switched to vitrification though which could make a big difference.

Anyway, right now I’m focusing on the positives; some great frozen embies and we have a really good plan.

I think part of why I feel better is Banks isn’t talking about waiting to start working on adopting, originally he was wanting to wait until we saved up for that which could be a few years, now he’s talking about if this fet doesn’t work (I’m really hoping it does) that we’d start working on the adoption side of things as we’re gearing up for a final fet. So even if DE doesn’t work for us w/ a little luck we should still be parents w/i a couple of years, one way or another. I feel really good about that while I want to be pregnant and experience all of that, I really just want to be a mom so I’m ok w/ taking that step and the sooner the better.

First things first though I have some time to get in shape and be at my healthiest before the FET. Banks and I are starting the 30 day shred video on May 1 (it’s on our on demand so it’s free) which is supposed to be a great workout and I’m going to try really hard to loose some weight and eat healthier and be in shape before then. Plus we’re hitting swimsuit season ;).

So that's where I'm at, hopeful and waiting w/ a little prep work thrown in.

As expected BFN

I got a BFN today. I'm not surprised and so far I'm doing ok. It comes and goes, I'm ok one minute a total mess the next.

I'm a planner so Banks and I came up w/ a plan. We're going to cycle again in mid-late june if at all possible. If that doesn't work we'll try once more and begin working on adoption. For the first time DH said that we'd find a way to be parents no matter what it costs. It makes me feel better to know he's as committed to that goal as I am.

I'm glad to have a plan and I'm going to let my self be whiny and mopey for tonight and tomorrow and then try to deal and go from there.