Silence

Sorry for the silence, things are good except for the fact that we have no internet right now. It's frustrating the heck out of me so I'm popping on at my in-laws. Banks is teasing me that I'm addicted to the internet.

We switched from cable to dish last week and got internet through the phone company but it has yet to work.

On the upside before it went out I did something silly and fun. I e-mailed an online "psychic" that was mentioned on the IF board for a prediction on how many children I'd have and when. My reading said (in more detail then I'm going to bore you with) that I'd have 3. 1 girl and 2 boys who might be twins.
The girl would be conceived or born in November am I stretching it to think that since my lmp will be in November that it might be from this cycle? ;)

It's a fun distraction and it's helped me get positive about this cycle or more accurately that I will be a mom at some point, even if it's not as soon as I'd like.

On the FET front not much to tell right now AF should be coming between now and Saturday depending on how cooperative my body is. If it comes in that time frame we should be on track for 12/11 or so for our transfer.

More odds and ends from life to add but need to go be social.

“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” - Margaret Lee Runbeck

I'm alive and well

I'm surviving what's turning out to be a VERY long week at work. Other than work suckiness it's actually been a pretty good week.

On a completely unrelated to IF note, I'm really looking forward to seeing New Moon in a few weeks. I'm hoping it's closer to the book then Twilight was. It looks much better based on the previews.

I'm getting nervous and excited about December. I'm hoping for the best and thinking how awesome it would be to get that news right before Christmas. And how adorable our baby would be next Christmas.

I'm hoping everything works for us to go Dec. 11 but I won't know for a few weeks if everything's lining up for us to go up there then.

I did my usual checking out the due date and if it works I'll be due around 8/28 just after my b-day. Which would be kinda cool. I'd have the best Christmas and b-day presents ever, being pregnant for Christmas and A baby for my b-day.


And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive
And well...I'm alive and well
Kenny Chesney, I'm Alive

Out of hiding

I'm back from my hiatus. I'm feeling better about things for the most part. I had a rough time Tuesday after I watched an 18 yr old client at work w/ her baby for 2 hrs which sucked. Then went to a fall festival w/ DH and MIL where MIL's 3 yr old niece was mistaken for our daughter. It wasn't the person's fault it was the obvious conclusiion when you are introduced to an older lady her son and dil and a young child. It still stung for a minute.

We've decided to do a final transfer before moving on. I'm not absolutely convinced it's the best decision but it's the decision I can best live w/. Banks would be happy to move on to adoption immediately, I need to have the closure of doing one last transfer.

Either way come January I'll either be pregnant or starting the adoption process. I feel much better having a time frame to deal w/. I know this will all be settled one way or the other by the new year.

I'll admit I'm scared that if it's negative it'll ruin the holidays but the truth is w/ JK being pregnant and due in Jan. they're gonna be rough anyway. Am I crazy to schedule this for right at the holidays?

Where I'm at...

Thanks for the support everyone, I appreciate it. Your understanding and sympathy means a lot. Not many irl get how hard this is.

DH and I are going to have dinner next week w/ His Uncle and Aunt who adopted their daughter. It's been 20+ years since then but it's a place to start looking into adoption and gather some info. He wants to use the same agency they did but I'm not sold on them. Their wait time for a caucasian infant is 2-4 yrs, for biracial 8-18 months. Both are on the longer side plus a couple of other things I don't love about it. However, his uncle does legal work for them which DH thinks will help move things along, I'm not so sure...

I really feel like I have to do one more fet. I think a part of me will always wonder what if, I need to do this to have closure before we move on.

Would I be crazy to look into transferring 3 if we do one more fet? A kind of hail mary pass thing. The idea of triplets scares the heck out of me b/c of my health and the prematurity of the babies. The main issue is that b/c of Turner's multiples increase my risk of aortic dissection which is life threatening. Any thoughts on how many to transfer if we do another fet?

I have to be honest and say I don't know if I'd be able to consider selective reduction in the case of trips, not saying we wouldn't ultimately decide we had no choice but I'd definitely hesitate to do that.

It was Negative

No big surprise and I'm not as upset as last time, at least not yet. I'm still pretty numb. I'm not sure what we'll be doing next, we're definitely going to start putting together adoption info but I don't know if we'll do a FET during or not.

Financially I don't know if doing both is feasible or not. I don't even know how many of our snowbabies are left. The nurse is e-mailing me w/ that info though.

I also don't know if emotionally I can keep doing this, I don't want to waste much more time. If I had a crystal ball and knew it would work soon of course I'd keep going but w/ not knowing part of me wants to just focus on the next step.

The idea of giving up on being pregnant is SOOOO hard. I spent most of my life thinking pregnancy wasn't even possible but once I learned of Donor Egg in my late teens it was something that became improtant to me.

Debating between letting go of expreincing all that goes w/ pregnancy vs. wasting time on something that might not work but if it did would be amazing is tearing me apart right now.

To add insult to injury I have to face the holidays and seeing J.K. (godbrother's wife) either about to give birth or w/ a newborn. I love the holidays and I hate that IF is ruining them for me. I'm dreading sitting through Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Christmas dinner and all the other get togethers we're at w/ them during the holidays. What I hate most is that I'm bitter enough right now to feel like that.

Not Good News

I took an hpt today and it was negative. W/ the beta being tomorrow I'm thinking the FET didn't work. There's a tiny possibility that I'll be surprised tomorrow but I doubt it.

I'm just at a loss, it kills me that I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth. When I was home for Labor Day my family was doting on my gobbrother's pregnant wife and it's awful but I hate that I might never get to be the pregnant one that everyone is looking after. I so wanted to have morning sickness, and sonograms, and cankles, and feel my baby kick inside me.

I don't know if DH and I are going to try 1 more FET or not but right now I am just tired and want to be a mom. I hate that we have to deal with this...

2ww :(

I HATE the 2ww. It's driving me crazy and I've got 3 days to go. I'm so scared it didn't work and what that would mean for us.
DH wants to do one more FET but I'm not sure about taking the time to do that before we move forward w/ adoption. Then again part of me thinks maybe the 3rd time would be the one that works and we have the snowbabies so why not. The worry I have is that the wait for your average domestic or international adoption is a year to 2 yrs and I don't know if I can spend anymore time before starting that process w/o driving myself crazy. Not to mention that I need to have made some type of progress towards being a mom before Christmas or seeing my godbrother's extremely pregnant wife will kill me and ruin my favorite time of year. I can handle it if I'm pregnant or we're in process for adoption b/c I can remind myself that I'll be a mom too, eventually.
Of course this FET might be a BFP and it'll be a non-issue. I hate how the 2ww screws w/ your mind. I'm trying to stay busy and keep myself distracted but it's only working up to a certain point. I really wish I could just fastforward to Tuesday and know one way or the other.
I'm watching North and South which is 24 hrs of distraction and a favorite of mine (patrick swazye in the eighties was awesome).