Friday, September 25, 2009

Where I'm at...

Thanks for the support everyone, I appreciate it. Your understanding and sympathy means a lot. Not many irl get how hard this is.

DH and I are going to have dinner next week w/ His Uncle and Aunt who adopted their daughter. It's been 20+ years since then but it's a place to start looking into adoption and gather some info. He wants to use the same agency they did but I'm not sold on them. Their wait time for a caucasian infant is 2-4 yrs, for biracial 8-18 months. Both are on the longer side plus a couple of other things I don't love about it. However, his uncle does legal work for them which DH thinks will help move things along, I'm not so sure...

I really feel like I have to do one more fet. I think a part of me will always wonder what if, I need to do this to have closure before we move on.

Would I be crazy to look into transferring 3 if we do one more fet? A kind of hail mary pass thing. The idea of triplets scares the heck out of me b/c of my health and the prematurity of the babies. The main issue is that b/c of Turner's multiples increase my risk of aortic dissection which is life threatening. Any thoughts on how many to transfer if we do another fet?

I have to be honest and say I don't know if I'd be able to consider selective reduction in the case of trips, not saying we wouldn't ultimately decide we had no choice but I'd definitely hesitate to do that.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It was Negative

No big surprise and I'm not as upset as last time, at least not yet. I'm still pretty numb. I'm not sure what we'll be doing next, we're definitely going to start putting together adoption info but I don't know if we'll do a FET during or not.

Financially I don't know if doing both is feasible or not. I don't even know how many of our snowbabies are left. The nurse is e-mailing me w/ that info though.

I also don't know if emotionally I can keep doing this, I don't want to waste much more time. If I had a crystal ball and knew it would work soon of course I'd keep going but w/ not knowing part of me wants to just focus on the next step.

The idea of giving up on being pregnant is SOOOO hard. I spent most of my life thinking pregnancy wasn't even possible but once I learned of Donor Egg in my late teens it was something that became improtant to me.

Debating between letting go of expreincing all that goes w/ pregnancy vs. wasting time on something that might not work but if it did would be amazing is tearing me apart right now.

To add insult to injury I have to face the holidays and seeing J.K. (godbrother's wife) either about to give birth or w/ a newborn. I love the holidays and I hate that IF is ruining them for me. I'm dreading sitting through Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Christmas dinner and all the other get togethers we're at w/ them during the holidays. What I hate most is that I'm bitter enough right now to feel like that.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Not Good News

I took an hpt today and it was negative. W/ the beta being tomorrow I'm thinking the FET didn't work. There's a tiny possibility that I'll be surprised tomorrow but I doubt it.

I'm just at a loss, it kills me that I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth. When I was home for Labor Day my family was doting on my gobbrother's pregnant wife and it's awful but I hate that I might never get to be the pregnant one that everyone is looking after. I so wanted to have morning sickness, and sonograms, and cankles, and feel my baby kick inside me.

I don't know if DH and I are going to try 1 more FET or not but right now I am just tired and want to be a mom. I hate that we have to deal with this...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

2ww :(

I HATE the 2ww. It's driving me crazy and I've got 3 days to go. I'm so scared it didn't work and what that would mean for us.
DH wants to do one more FET but I'm not sure about taking the time to do that before we move forward w/ adoption. Then again part of me thinks maybe the 3rd time would be the one that works and we have the snowbabies so why not. The worry I have is that the wait for your average domestic or international adoption is a year to 2 yrs and I don't know if I can spend anymore time before starting that process w/o driving myself crazy. Not to mention that I need to have made some type of progress towards being a mom before Christmas or seeing my godbrother's extremely pregnant wife will kill me and ruin my favorite time of year. I can handle it if I'm pregnant or we're in process for adoption b/c I can remind myself that I'll be a mom too, eventually.
Of course this FET might be a BFP and it'll be a non-issue. I hate how the 2ww screws w/ your mind. I'm trying to stay busy and keep myself distracted but it's only working up to a certain point. I really wish I could just fastforward to Tuesday and know one way or the other.
I'm watching North and South which is 24 hrs of distraction and a favorite of mine (patrick swazye in the eighties was awesome).

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Heading Home

We fly out in the morning and I'm so ready to get home. I miss our furbaby and our bed. So far bedrest has been fine, the nice thing about doing this oot is that the 2ww won't start getting to me until we get home.

I'm going to try to hold out for Beta day and test that morning so I know what to
expect but we'll see if I can hold to that. I'll only have 5 days or so to get through.

Right now I feel very good about things, I don't know if it's wishful thinking or instincts but for now I'm hopeful and optimistic. This is why I added the ticker I want to enjoy this optimism while it lasts.

I'm actually thinking in terms of if it works and if so how we'll tell. What stinks is that people know approximately when we should know (thanks to our BFN cycle and memories that are too good).

I want to tell our parents in person but mine live 5 hrs away. I kinda told my mom I'd love for them to come out next weekend, which should be the day after our 2nd beta if it works, so I'd have a distraction. I'm hoping they can so we can tell both sets at the same time. Mine didn't get to hear about the engagment in person so I feel like they should get this at least. It would be different if they were both away but Banks' parents get all this stuff and it bothers my Mom.

If I were asked to name the chief benefit of the house, I should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace.
Gaston Bachelard

Monday, September 14, 2009

Back from FET

It went well, transferred 2 blasts that thawed well. The only bad thing was we had to wait about an hr to go back. The waiting room was full of kids hile we were there which was crazy to me.

The actual transfer was smooth and quick.

I just have to make it to Tuesday 9/22 for the Beta. Since we'll be here till Thurs I'm hoping the next week passes quickly. Still feeling good and DH is waiting on me hand and foot.

Here's a pic of the embies we transferred.

Off to FET

Getting ready to head to FET. After getting in late last night we crashed and then we got up way too early. At least we can get some sleep today ;)

I'm hoping 2 of our 10 thawed well and things go well. I'm getting a little nervous and I'll feel better once we get there and know for sure what's up.

All in all I'm feeling really positive so we'll see. I'll update later.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

we're set!

FINALLY!! We're ready to move forward w/ the FET, transfer will be on 9/14. I can't wait. I'm feeling optimistic and excited it just feels like things are falling into place at last.

Lining was a 9 triple stripe so that's perfect, TSH was good as was everything else so we're set to go.

Banks and I will have to make the travel arrangements tonight or tomorrow and then we'll be set.

I'm doing crinone and pio this time, mixing it up a bit to see what happens.

I couldn't resist and if/when the FET works I'd be due June 1. That just seems cool for some reason. As you can tell I'm not doing so great w/ not getting ahead of myself. For now though I'm happy and excited and that's all that matters.