Thursday, June 26, 2008

9 to 5

So now that we're set for beginning our de journey in January my plan for the job situation is screwed.

When we were going to start the process in August I was going to tough it out until around the edd or bed rest and then quit to sah. Now however that is so not an option the idea of staying at this job for year and a half (roughly) is absolutely unbearable. I won't be able to take it for that much longer. Part of me wants to stick w/ the staying until next June or so but the other part of me is thinking why? Especially since cycling would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal w/ getting time off.

I need to tough it out until after we get started to give us the extra income and to have some of the tests covered. After that I don't know what I'm going to do. If I wasn't set on being a sahm I'd look for another job ASAP so that I'd be covered by FMLA in time. Since I want to sah I'd feel really bad job hunting when I know I'm not going to be there that long. At least this job is easy to fill and I won't be leaving anyone in the lurch when I leave so I won't be burning any bridges.

I may see about going back to subbing, which I did when we were first married and I was job hunting. Also it gives me a lot of flexibility as far as cycling goes. I'm thinking the plan will be to stay w/ it until after the cycle, and once I know what the result is make a decision. If I'm not ku then I'll job hunt while we figure things out and if I am, I can see how I feel at that point about staying until maternity leave starts.

Working nine to five/what a way to make living/Barely getting by/it's all taking and no giving./They just use your mind/and they never give you credit/It's enough to drive you crazyif you let it.
Dolly Parton

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


So here at the Chance household we're having lots of visitors. We live about 5 hrs from my family so we don't see them that often. Usually we travel to see them but this time they're coming here. So I thought this was a good time to discuss my family.

My dad and his girlfriend came this past weekend and we actually had a nice visit. Nothing terribly exciting but just a pleasent weekend. It was nice b/c my dad can be difficult. I love him very much but the man can be very self invovlved. We saw the in-laws as well which was fun.

Mom and Pops (stepdad) are coming this weekend and I'm looking forward to that as well. I absolutely love them to bits and I love seeing them. I'm so stressing though b/c mom can be a little critical particularly when it comes to housekeeping. She expects that because she worked and kept a perfect house everyone should. So I'll be spending a lot of time spring cleaning.

I also have 2 older brothers and B a cousin who was raised with us so I had a big family and I loved it. I'd love to have 4 kids, I just don't see that happening for us. My brothers are awesome and I love them to death. B is my beloved olde sister, even when she's a drama queen.

Then there are the unofficial family members. My godmother and her family are a huge part of our family. They're part of why the dna part of de doesn't really bother me. They aren't blood relations but I'm closer to them then my actual aunts and cousins.

My family is very close and I love them all more than anything but at times it takes a lot to deal with them

I have to admit that as much as I love my family I'm glad we live near Banks' family. I absolutely LOVE my in-laws. They have always been wonderful to me and made me a part of the family. I'm really lucky when it comes to in-laws.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


So after being excited about getting close to cycling Banks and I talked and he wants to wait until January.
I would never pressure him to move forward before he's ready so we're back to waiting. Another 6 months plus but it's important that we both be ready for this 100%.

He had some good reasons for waiting, the extra time will give us more of a cushion financially for a cycle, we'll have more time off from work, and it'll be a great way to start the year.

He seems so much more excited about it when I said waiting was fine. I know he wants kids as badly as I do but I think he just needed a little more time and feels much more positive about it on this timeline. Which is why I want us to be completely on the same page before we start the process, I want him to be as excited as I am.

So while I'm so ready to start the process I feel really good about the new timeline. So I'm going to focus on loosing a few pounds, getting in shape and being physically ready to cycle for the next while. It feels really good to have a plan that we both completely agree on and now we're moving forward, if a little slower than originally planned.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
John Lennon

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Patience and other things

I am probably one of the least patient people on the planet. I have a really hard time waiting for things to happen, like our first RE de cycle appointment. I swear when we talked about when to cycle in December and settled on starting the process in August it seemed like forever and now it's just a couple of months. I'm pretty proud of myself because I've kept the impatience at a minimum during the last 6 months.

I'm getting so excited and nervous now that it's getting closer. Hopefully nothing changes the timeline and we talk/see the RE in August.

As it gets closer I'm getting terrified something will go wrong and we won't be able to cycle or I won't get pregnant. We haven't had any testing done since we're going straight to de we decided to wait since the tests are required to cycle anyway, why risk having to do them twice.

I'm worried about the wait from the initial appointment to the actual cycle also, it could be 6 months or more before everything is lined up and we can cycle, or it could be 3 months from start to beta. I'm worried it'll take us forever to find a donor that we like that is available, or we wait for a donor and she ends up not wanting to do another cycle, or something will go wrong w/ the cycle and it gets canceled

Then there is the big fear, I end up not getting pregnant. That's the thing I fear most, well that or a miscarriage. Going through all the meds, shots, and procedures, not to mention the money and not having a baby. I know we'd either do a fet or move on to adoption but I really hope it works the first time.
It's going to be really hard if it doesn't and that scares me.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours. Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Would Die for That, part II

So, now I feel really bad. My boss is having seriously pre-term contractions. I was wrong about how far along she is, she's only 24 weeks, not 25 weeks, so it's incredibly serious that's she's having contractions. She went to the ER this morning and was admitted after having pains since yesterday.

They've given her meds and now all that can be done is hope and pray. If you pray say one for her and her baby boy. I'm really hoping everything turns out allright.

To pray is to pay attention to something or someone other than oneself.
W. H. Auden

The contractions stopped and my boss was released this morning!

Friday, June 6, 2008

I Would Die for That

So I have a job I really don't like but the extra income is really going to help us afford our de cycle or adoption so I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, my boss is a b*%#@. The big kicker is she's pregnant which normally just makes me wistful, maybe envious, but w/ her it bothers me. Another co-worker that I work closely with is pregnant and I don't feel this way with her so I don't think it's baby envy.

The hardest part is she is such a negative person, she just seems SO unhappy. I try not to judge other people, how do I know what their real lives are like. It's hard w/ her b/c I would die to be in her shoes. She's pregnant w/ a healthy baby boy and no complications so far (25 weeks +), and she just seems so unhappy and negative. It drives me crazy.

At times I just want to shake her and say, do you have any idea how many women would give anything to be pregnant, much less have a steady job, a (as far as I can tell) good husband and the life you have. I try to make allowances for the fact that there might be things I don't know about her life that explain why she is just so negative but it's hard.

It would be one thing if she was moaning about not sleeping or other pregnancy problems but it's like she has no joy in her life. How can you have this miracle occuring inside you and not feel joy? I might could understand if it had been unexpected but it wasn't, they were ttc.

I'm also a fairly optimistic person who tends to battle through by looking at the positive so maybe it's a personality thing. But I swear at times it's like she thinks the world is coming to an end or something. It's just hard, here I am praying I'll be able to experience what she is and instead of enjoying and celebrating it and letting it lift her spirits she's still the same mean spirited and negative person as always.

To end on a positive note, it's the weekend and I'm going to enjoy it!

But I would die for that./Just to have one chance/To hold in my hands/ All that she had./I would die for that.

I Woud Die for That
Kellie Coffey