Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It was Negative

No big surprise and I'm not as upset as last time, at least not yet. I'm still pretty numb. I'm not sure what we'll be doing next, we're definitely going to start putting together adoption info but I don't know if we'll do a FET during or not.

Financially I don't know if doing both is feasible or not. I don't even know how many of our snowbabies are left. The nurse is e-mailing me w/ that info though.

I also don't know if emotionally I can keep doing this, I don't want to waste much more time. If I had a crystal ball and knew it would work soon of course I'd keep going but w/ not knowing part of me wants to just focus on the next step.

The idea of giving up on being pregnant is SOOOO hard. I spent most of my life thinking pregnancy wasn't even possible but once I learned of Donor Egg in my late teens it was something that became improtant to me.

Debating between letting go of expreincing all that goes w/ pregnancy vs. wasting time on something that might not work but if it did would be amazing is tearing me apart right now.

To add insult to injury I have to face the holidays and seeing J.K. (godbrother's wife) either about to give birth or w/ a newborn. I love the holidays and I hate that IF is ruining them for me. I'm dreading sitting through Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Christmas dinner and all the other get togethers we're at w/ them during the holidays. What I hate most is that I'm bitter enough right now to feel like that.


Bella said...

I am so sorry, my friend. There have been many times I wish I had a book of my life and that I could peak ahead during those really tough times. Someway, someday, you will be parents and we'll be here to cheer you on however you decide to get there. ((HUGS))

Simple said...

Sorry just doesn't seem adequate. Just know you are not alone - we are here to listen & support you no matter what.

ks and jd said...

There really are no words! I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. Take time for yourself right now. I really wish I had some words of wisdom that could help you but...nothing...just (((hugs))) And know that one way or another you will be a mother!

Nicole said...

There is nothing any of us can say, as we all know too well. Sorry sounds pathetic (there needs to be a stronger word for that in the dictionary).
I can say from experience that it is important to work through the bitterness (which I am the mayor of that town after a failed cycle) before proceding with another cycle or step. So just take time for you, without worrying about the next step right away. My advice woudl be to let yourself be angry and upset and heartbroken because that is how you should feel now. It's healthy! Then when you're ready you can begin to build up the optimism and strength to go forward with whatever road you choose- medical or adoption. Take a little time to refuse to let yourself worry about wasting time, even if only for one week. Just more sterss.
I'm so sorry. Sending you all the wishes for heart healing and love...

skrambled said...

Words can not express how crap this is!!!! Thinking of you.