All over the place

I'm still hanging in. I just wish I was in a better place emotionally, I'm all over the place.
I'm scared it won't work one minute, sure it will the next, terrified that we're wasting time when we could be pursuing adoption after that.

I think part of it is (and I know that this is stupid and not true) I feel like I failed on my part. The donor did awesome and gave us 17 mature eggs, Banks did his part and we ended up w/ 20 good to great embies all that was left was for the embie we transferred to settle in nice and snug for the next 9 months. So while I know better I still feel like I was the one who let us down. At least some of the time, the rest of the times I know better and it doesn't bother me.

So I'm making a little progress, and I start the 30 day shred today which will hopefully get me in great shape bef0re our FET.

Our DE fresh cycle Timeline

I was always curious about this when I was researching/preparing to cycle so here is ours.

Our DE Journey
{9/16/08} Fill out and Mail paperwork for CNY
{9/22/08} Get Bloodwork and other Tests done
{9/23/08} schedule Phone Consult
{10/01/08} Phone Consult with Dr. K.
{10/15/08} Talked to Pati and set up Mock Cycle
{11/06/08} HSG and complete mock cycle. Both excellent
{11/10/08} On self induced break until March
{1/04/09} Donor Chosen
{1/5/09} Selected donor but she left program
{1/6/09} Selected Donor 2 and requested her
{1/07/9} Donor 2 confirmed!
{1/30/09} Off HRT until cycle
{2/11/09} Donor got AF
{3/3/09} Donor Started Lupron
{3/23/09} Donor starts Stims, I start Estrace & Baby Aspirin
{4/8/09} Fly up to NY
{4/9/09} Donor ER
{4/14/09} 5dt of 1 terrific blast
{4/22/09} BFN :(

I'm OK

I’m doing ok. Yesterday was much better than Weds, and today is better than yesterday. I gave myself yesterday to be down and upset as much as I wanted and got it out of my system.

I e-mailed Pati about doing a FET and that timing is fine I’m supposed to e-mail her around Mem. Day. to set up a schedule for the FET.
I’m actually feeling pretty optimistic, w/ so many great frosties I feel like this FET has a pretty good chance of working. The only thing that has me nervous is that the FET success rates there are on the low side, I think that’s from before they switched to vitrification though which could make a big difference.

Anyway, right now I’m focusing on the positives; some great frozen embies and we have a really good plan.

I think part of why I feel better is Banks isn’t talking about waiting to start working on adopting, originally he was wanting to wait until we saved up for that which could be a few years, now he’s talking about if this fet doesn’t work (I’m really hoping it does) that we’d start working on the adoption side of things as we’re gearing up for a final fet. So even if DE doesn’t work for us w/ a little luck we should still be parents w/i a couple of years, one way or another. I feel really good about that while I want to be pregnant and experience all of that, I really just want to be a mom so I’m ok w/ taking that step and the sooner the better.

First things first though I have some time to get in shape and be at my healthiest before the FET. Banks and I are starting the 30 day shred video on May 1 (it’s on our on demand so it’s free) which is supposed to be a great workout and I’m going to try really hard to loose some weight and eat healthier and be in shape before then. Plus we’re hitting swimsuit season ;).

So that's where I'm at, hopeful and waiting w/ a little prep work thrown in.

As expected BFN

I got a BFN today. I'm not surprised and so far I'm doing ok. It comes and goes, I'm ok one minute a total mess the next.

I'm a planner so Banks and I came up w/ a plan. We're going to cycle again in mid-late june if at all possible. If that doesn't work we'll try once more and begin working on adoption. For the first time DH said that we'd find a way to be parents no matter what it costs. It makes me feel better to know he's as committed to that goal as I am.

I'm glad to have a plan and I'm going to let my self be whiny and mopey for tonight and tomorrow and then try to deal and go from there.

Beta this Morning

Heading for beta shortly, still not feeling terribly optimistic. I'm hoping that I get lucky and the hpts were wrong but I'm expecting a call that it's a BFN.

I can't post at work so I'll update once I get home.

Still negative

I'm seriously getting worried now, there's not even the barest hint of a line on an early detection dollar tree test (measures an hcg level of 25).

I'm starting to loose hope. My original beta date was thurs. so even if I have hcg in my system it would be below 50 then which would not be good. My clinic looks for an hcg of 50 or higher on the first beta so I'm thinking I'm going to end up in beta hell or w/ a negative.

I'm trying to prepare myself, the reality is acoording to beta base I should have been able to get a + on a low level hpt today. The fact that I didn't can't be good. Maybe I'll be pleasently surprised but I'm really not expecting it at this point. There's a slim, slim chance that I'll have a low but not horrible beta tomorrow but I have to face the fact that the odds are not in my favor right now.

I really wish I could go ahead and have my beta today and get it over w/ if it's a miracle BFP then I could breath a little bit and if it's not at least I'd now and could stop the pio.

Either way I've got to make it through today and most of tomorrow at least I should know something by 3pm tomorrow.

Negative HPT

I started testing this morning and it was negative. It's not really a surprise @ only 6dp5dt (11 dpo) it was really unlikely to be positive. Especially since I know it isn't twins.

I'm still really disappointed I'll feel so much better once I get a + hpt. I'm also really getting nervous about whether it worked or not.

I wish I could just fast forward to Weds and know one way or the other. Seriously somebody needs to invent a time machine for the 2ww.

Oh well, hoping that I have different news tomorrow.

Nerves

The nerves hit today. I was feeling SOOO positive and great until this morning when for some reason I started to get nervous.

I don't know why the nerves hit there is every reason to be hopeful but the fear of it not working kind of wriggled in for some reason today.

I'm going to try my best to hold off poas until Weds. but since I have a 2 pack hpt I may test on Tuesday.

I want this to work so badly that the idea of a BFN scares the heck out of me. I want to be a mom and I would be so thrilled to be pregnant and almost due this Christmas. I want to be a mom by 2010.

Anyway it's going to be a LOOONG 4 days waiting for Weds to get here. So any calm and peaceful vibes you want to send my way would be great!

Frosties!

We have 10, yes 10 frozen embies. the 6 great ones from Tuesday continued doing great and were frozen and 4 of the others caught up and were doing well so they were frozen as well.

I have to admit it takes a lot of worry off knowing that if this transfer doesn't work (which I REALLY REALLY want it to) we have options. Especially given that the clinic does all FETs at no cost for the year following the fresh transfer.

I'm hoping I really am pregnant and we won't need any of them until we're ready for #2. The other thing that makes me really happy about it is I'd love to have 3 children and w/ this many embies I might be able to talk Banks into it. He'd prefer 2 at this point, but mainly due to the cost involved, since FETs are relatively inexpensive maybe just maybe I can sway him. Yeah I am SOOO jumping the gun even thinking about that.

Oh and we are back home and getting settled back in. It's so nice to be back in our own home. I enjoyed our trip but it'll be so nice to sleep in our own bed tonight.

ETA: I got the clinic to move up the beta to Weds, since they close early on Thurs and I was worried about gettting the results same day. I really didn't want to worry about that overnight. So that's another plus for the day!

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.
-Alice Walker

Being Optimistic

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy every moment of the next 2 weeks. If things turn out well I'll be glad to have enjoyed it and if they don't then I'll be heartbroken whether I enjoy this time or not. So I've put a pregnancy ticker on here. I also put a countdown to beta so forgive the ticker overload ;)

The stress of worrying over it will just make the 2ww that much harder so I'm going to stick w/ the thought that I'm PUPO and enjoy it. If nothing else if it's my only opportunity to have a pregnancy ticker I want to enjoy it.

Really though I'm feeling very positive and hopeful. We have every reason the think it's going to work and I'm going to stick w/ that until I have a reason not to.

I'm so debating about when to start poas, I've already have a couple digitals and I bought a more sensitive traditional hpt the other week. I'm SO tempted to hit the dollar store and get a few more and test all next week. I definitely want to test ahead of time I'm just not sure how early. I know that I definitely want to test on Beta day so I know what to expect.

I really kind of want to know if it's positive as soon as possible b/c of my hypothyroidism, last time it was checked it was on the very low side (perfect for ttc) but estrogen and pregnancy raises the # and my Endocrinologist wants to wait until I'm pregnant or not to recheck it. Being too high can cause miscarriage and other problems so the sooner I know the sooner I can call his nurse and get it checked and adjusted if necessary before it gets too high.

So I know testing positive before 12 dpo (7dp5dt) is unlikely I'm so tempted to do testing from Monday forward and see what happens. Which could just drive me nuts or let me know that much sooner.

Honestly it'll probably come downn to how lazy I am and if I make it to the dollar store for some cheapy tests!

Miracles happen every day. Not just in remote country villages or at holy sites halfway across the globe, but here, in our own lives.
- Deepak Chopra

I'm PUPO!

I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. We transferred one great blast and now I'm just resting. Dr. K thinks we should have 4 or 5 frosties. We had some great high quality blasts today.

Now we wait until beta on 4/23 which seems like forever away. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

DH also told his mom when beta is so I'm going to have to work to put off telling anyone. Oh well. If I can put it off until after the 2nd beta I don't mind telling our folks at that point. We'd want their support if something were to go wrong.

The due date would/will be Dec. 30 so here's hoping for the best Christmas Present ever!

Transfer Tomorrow

We're sitting around the hotel after spending most of the day in Cooperstown, NY. We went to the Baseball Hall of Fame and a couple of other places, it was fun.

Now that I don't have anything to do I'm getting a little antsy. I'm so ready for tomorrow and worried something will go wrong or for some reason we won't have any to transfer. It's silly but I'll just feel so much better after transfer.

I'm also anxious to see what the quality of the embryos are. I'm hoping to have a really high quality blast so we can do an eSET. I also really want to have a few frozens. It would make the 2ww so much easier if I know that we have another shot or a chance at a full sibling in a few years.

I still feel optimistic but the closer it gets the more anxious I get. At least ET is bright and early tomorrow at 8 am. I won't have long to wait before I know more.

After the transfer I'll do accu. then back to the hotel for bedrest. The clinic gives you valium for ET so I'm hoping I'll be nice and lazy most of the day. Then I'll continue bedrest until we leave Friday morning.

I have to admit I'm really looking forward to being home again. It's been fun being off but I'm so ready to be back in my own bed.

"Tomorrow! Tomorrow!I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always A day A way" Annie

15!!!

We have 15 embies that are developing properly in the lab right now! They retrieved 24, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized and are growing. This is very similar to the donor's last cycle where it was a BFP and there were a few frozens. So I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful that we'll not only get pregnant but we'll have a few frosties for a sibling in a few years!

We'll be doing a 5dt on Tuesday so now we're just pausing until then. We're hitting the zoo to keep us busy today and Sat. we're going to Niagra Falls. Should be fun.

We're still planning on a single embryo transfer but won't make the final decision until we hear how things look on Tuesday. It's very unlikely we'll do anything but an eSET unless things look very bad.

Boo No Retrieval Report :(

Sadly no retrieval report today. We went this morning for Banks to do his part and that went fine.

I should have a fert report tomorrow!

I'm really proud of myself, I gave myself the PIO shot last night and had no problems. I just didn't let myself over think it. Thanks to the EMLA cream I really didn't feel anything and I was able to rub it in really well after injecting so no lumps so far! Tonight is the other side and I'm not that ambidextrous so we'll see how that one goes.

I'll update once we have more news!

Green Light

We're a go. ER will be Thursday! Pati was really pleased w/ how the donor was doing, she had 20+ follies and looked great. I'm really curious to see how many embies we end up w/.

We're flying up tomorrow and geting settled in the hotel and then heading to the Clinic Thursday morning for Banks' part.

I'm not sure if we'll get a retrieval report or just a fert report the next day.

Since they don't do transfers on Sundays we'll have ET on Monday or Tuesday. Which is a day 4 or 5 transfer.

I'll be very bored hanging out in the hotel so I'll probably be pretty good about updating.

Quick Update

A little news but we're still waiting. Talked to Pati yesterday and the donor is doing great. 10+ follies on each side most 17/18 or larger, lead follie is 20. Her e2 is 4217 so they had her coast last night and do just lupron, no Gonal F

They wanted to give it one more night so the donor is going in this morning to be checked and then Pati's going to let me know whether we're doing thurs or friday ER.

I'm so ready for the wait to be over! I'm on pins and needles I'm so excited and nervous and just ready for it to happen. The agony of waiting is getting to me. I'm SOO impatient that any waiting is hard for me but this is so hard.

All in all though I'm doing fine, just ready for the next step!!

Minor Freak Out

So I freaked out a little today. So I get back to work from picking up the food for a co-worker’s baby shower that I some how round up organizing (that’s a whole different post) and I check my phone. I’d been checking it relentlessly all morning waiting on an update from Pati. I have an e-mail from Pati and she says the donor won’t be ready for ER until Weds/Thurs. Well in the midst of unloading the car and setting up for the lunch baby shower I forget to count only to trigger and not ER so I freak out over how long she’s stimming. Well before I have time to realize Banks calls and I tell him how worried I am. He calls Pati, well I decide to e-mail Pati and get more info. I also post on tttc where a friend points out the trigger vs. ER issue and I realize what I’d done. So I e-mail Pati again and told her I figured it out and to ignore my minor freak out.

Anyway weds would be 14 days of stims which is fine. I do wish they’d check her on Sat/Sun just to be safe but I trust them that Monday will be fine.

I got details of her progress to date and I feel better. I really think she’ll trigger Monday and we’ll be up there Weds and through the next week.
I’m going to take off 4/17 regardless. I don’t see the point of going in for 1 day and it would be nice to have that extra 3 days of being low key once we get home.

In retrospect it's a little funny. I'm totally fine now and not concerned at all. I'm just really excited and ready for next week!!! I think that's why I freaked today I was so excited and it was getting so close that when that happened it just threw me for a loop.

10-15

That's the number of follies Pati said the donor has cooking. I'm hoping that's the same as her last cycle.

She said retrieval will be Monday or Tuesday, so I'm anxiously waiting to find out on Friday so we can make plans and get airplane tickets and hotel reservations. I'll feel better once we're set to go and once we're up tere.

I'm getting nervous about whether this is going to work. I don't want a huge number of eggs. Just enough for a couple of pregnancies. If this is the same way she stimmed last time it'll be fine. She had 13 retrieved and 2 put back and a BFP for the couple as well as 3 frozen embabies. I really want this to work and the closer it gets the more nervous I am that it won't.

I was really doing fine and was not worried/nervous at all until today. The next month is going to be SOOO hard. I have to remind myself to take it one step at a time. First ER then worry about ET then worry about Beta then the first u/s. Ugh it's going to be soo hard to stay calm.

Basically I'm just really excited and nervous and can't wait. I just have to get through this week!!