5 weeks

Week 5 of Pregnancy
Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.
~taken from babycenter.com
http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-pregnancy-5-weeks_1094.bc

We're telling our parents tonight so I am beyond excited. As for symptoms, nausuea, fatigue, sore bbs still around. I'm so nervous about the sonogram on Jan. 8, everything is going great so I shouldn't worry but I can't help it, I'm so scared that something will be wrong. Anyway just counting the days until the u/s. I'll post about the parents reactions soon. :)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!! Many good wishes to you all.

We're spending the day w/ Banks' family before mine join us Saturday so I'll be offline. Enjoy the holiday!!

Beta 2 in!!

It's 284, that's a doubling time of 52.67 hrs which is w/i the 48-72 hr doubling they look for. Of course my head knows that it's a great # and I need to relax and enjoy it but I definitely would've felt better if it was closer to 300.

That being said I couldn't be happier and I'm so excited about telling our parents this weekend! It's going to be a wonderful Christmas and I'm so looking forward to it. Our parents are going to be so thrilled, they've been (or tried to be) so supportive through this whole process. I can't thank them enough for that.

My u/s is scheduled for Jan. 8, I'll be 6 weeks 6 days so we should see the heartbeat. It's first thing in the morning so I'll post the results as soon as I can. I'm a little scared but I keep telling myself that the betas have been fine and there is no reason to worry at this point. It doesn't help much but I'm trying. ;)

Beta is In! :)

It’s a very healthy 151 so things look really good. That's a little above average for a healthy pregnancy at this point so I feel really good about the #s. I’ll go back Weds to repeat the labs to make sure it doubles (nurse said they’re looking for 250 or better).

For now I’m just going to enjoy being pregnant. I’m going to assume all is well and be happy. This is definitely going to be the best Christmas ever.

I tested again this morning as planned and DH asked what the result was, so I got to tell him in person and he was so excited. It’s adorable how happy he is about this. I knew he would be but it’s so awesome to see. We agree that we're going to tell our parents this weekend since mine will be in town and siblings. Then our 2 close set of friends who know about our cycle. Other than that we're going to wait until closer to 10-12 weeks to tell people.

I don’t know how I’m going to focus at work today but I’ve got to try. I’ll post more if anything comes up otherwise I’ll post Weds w/ updated #s.

Santa Came Early...

and brought me a BFP, at least on a hpt! I woke up and after feeling so pregnant the last couple days (exhausted, nauseous, sore bbs) I had to know so I took one of my hpts. I had to look at it for 5 mnutes before I believed it.

DH doesn't want to know until beta and I wasn't planning to test until Sunday/Monday. I may try to get a beta today and surprise him w/ it tonight, if my clinic will let me go in early. My mind is racing but I'll post again later and let you know about the beta (if I get one today)

eta: clinic wouldn't agree to a beta today, will go in first thing Monday as scheduled.

Pics of the snowbabies and other stuff

Here is the picture of the snowbabies from before transfer. I'm hoping at least one of them has snuggled in tight. I'm already getting antsy.

On the symptoms front I'm very bloated today and had to buy a be*band b/c nothing fits right now. My stomach has been bothering me today thought that could be from all the junk I ate this past week. I'm hoping it's a good sign though.

I've decided I'm going to try to hold out to Monday before testing, I want to enjoy everyday of being pupo that I can, no matter how things turn out. I'm hoping for the best but trying to prepare for the worst w/out being pessimistic.

6 days and counting to beta

Bedrest catch up

We fly out tomorrow around lunch so I thought I'd update before we head out.
Bedrest went fine but of course I'm glad it's over.
Beta is scheduled for Dec. 21, it's actually due the day before so I may take an hpt that Sunday. I'm nervous of course but hopeful. I'm hoping that all the holiday activities over the next couple weeks will help the time pass quickly.
I really want this to be the best Christmas ever. I'm trying not to think too much beyond each day but it's hard.
Good luck to all of us in the ttw.

Quick Update post ET

Transfer went smoothly and the doc said that the snowbabies looked good.
I'll post more in a day or two. Right now I'm settling in for bedrest.

On our way...almost

The count down begins. We fly out evening and we should get there tonight. We go in at 10 and hopefully we’ll get in and out fairly quickly.

I need all the good vibes and thoughts possible for our transfer (ppv appreciated particularly). I’m hopeful and excited but scared.

I’m extremely nervous about the weather messing up our flights it’s supposed to be snowy and I don’t know how bad or if it’ll be a non-issue. It won’t be a problem coming back just another day off but if we have trouble tonight and don’t get out till in the morning I don’t know that we’ll make it by 10 for the transfer.

I’m trying not to worry but I’m so nervous about every little thing. I’ll feel so much better once we get there and are settled in the hotel. I can’t wait to have the 2 snowbabies transferred and enter the 2ww.

I’ll update sometime after ET, unless we have to wait again then I might update while sitting there. ;)

Lucky Socks

Here's a picture of my lucky socks and the lovely lavendar sachet my elfster sent me. They seemed to work friday so I'm hoping they'll bring us our christmas BFP w/ this FET. I don't know if my elfster knew but I've always loved angels and have felt like I had a gaurdian angel watching over me at times. So lucky socks w/ angels were incredibly appropriate. Wearing them make me feel much more confident and positive about this cycle. I really love them and having them for this last cycle means a lot. Here's to 2010 being a lucky year for all of us.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

We're scheduled for Dec. 11 at 10 am, any thoughts,good wishes, prayers would be appreciated.

My lining is fluffier than it's ever been at an 11 triple stripe, so it's ready and then some for one or two of the snowbabies to snuggle in nice and tight.

I wore my lucky socks (post coming soon about that) today and since they seem to be working I'll be wearing them to the transfer next week. It's silly but they do give me confidence and hope so I'll keep wearing them as long as they help me feel better about everything.

I'm scared and thrilled at the same time about this FET. Everything is falling in place and so many things in my life have happened at the perfect moment, even if at the time I didn't think so, that I can't help but think maybe this is when it's meant to happen and we'll have a christmas BFP.

I've worried about how to tell the parents given that we live 5 hrs away from one set, but this'll be perfect. If it happens we can tell Bank's parents on Christmas and then tell my folks the next day when we see them the next day. We can tell them both in person and reasonably close together time wise, and get to add to the joy of the season.

Anyway, I'm happy as can be and looking forward to next Friday!

The most wonderful time of the year
Holly Jolly Christmas

Here we go again...

My freak out about this cycle has started, the reality that this will be our last attempt at pregnancy (at least until after we adopt. We may or may not try again after that) hit hard over T-giving.

JK was very pregnant (34 weeks) and Banks’ cousin announced her pregnancy, fortunately we only found out via phone. It was hard watching JK and her adorable baby belly for most of the day and it made me very jealous when it hit me that I may never experience carrying our baby.

Banks’ cousin’s announcement was a surprise (sort of) they are/were dealing w/ IF as well so I’m really happy that they’re on the other side now but it still hurts. I want to experience that so very badly.

Getting hit by both really brought it home that this is it for the foreseeable future I’m trying to stay positive and imagine announcing our pregnancy at Christmas but it’s so hard.

On the upside I do feel good about moving on one way or the other come January. It’ll be very nice to get off this rollercoaster, granted adoption is as bad or worse but w/ that we know that at the end we’ll be parents. I keep reminding myself that I will be a mom one way or another and come January we’ll know which path we’re taking. I am looking forward to a fresh start in 2010, either expecting or working on adoption.

Oh, lining check is on Friday so we'll see if this cycle is a go then!

Baseline

I haven't had a chance to update since Monday, been busy getting ready for the holiday.

Baseline was fine and we're good to go. I started my patches. Lining check is Dec. 4.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving!!!

Ready, Set....

And here comes our FET. AF came Friday and I'm set for baseline monitoring on Monday and if everything comes back like it should I'll start vi*velle patches then. I've been using them for my HRT and I really like them better then the pills and the clinic was fine w/ it so that's a small change we've made.

I called a local accupuncturist friday since I want to try it for this cycle. She didn't answer but I left a message and I'll see if she gets back to me tomorrow.

I'm so excited and scared about this cycle, it's the last chance for us and I want it to work SOOOO badly. I'm still considering bringing up transferring 3 but I'm not sure if it's a risk I want to take yet.

I'm hoping the holidays are going to keep me distracted over the next few weeks. It's going to be a looong month or so.

Silence

Sorry for the silence, things are good except for the fact that we have no internet right now. It's frustrating the heck out of me so I'm popping on at my in-laws. Banks is teasing me that I'm addicted to the internet.

We switched from cable to dish last week and got internet through the phone company but it has yet to work.

On the upside before it went out I did something silly and fun. I e-mailed an online "psychic" that was mentioned on the IF board for a prediction on how many children I'd have and when. My reading said (in more detail then I'm going to bore you with) that I'd have 3. 1 girl and 2 boys who might be twins.
The girl would be conceived or born in November am I stretching it to think that since my lmp will be in November that it might be from this cycle? ;)

It's a fun distraction and it's helped me get positive about this cycle or more accurately that I will be a mom at some point, even if it's not as soon as I'd like.

On the FET front not much to tell right now AF should be coming between now and Saturday depending on how cooperative my body is. If it comes in that time frame we should be on track for 12/11 or so for our transfer.

More odds and ends from life to add but need to go be social.

“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” - Margaret Lee Runbeck

I'm alive and well

I'm surviving what's turning out to be a VERY long week at work. Other than work suckiness it's actually been a pretty good week.

On a completely unrelated to IF note, I'm really looking forward to seeing New Moon in a few weeks. I'm hoping it's closer to the book then Twilight was. It looks much better based on the previews.

I'm getting nervous and excited about December. I'm hoping for the best and thinking how awesome it would be to get that news right before Christmas. And how adorable our baby would be next Christmas.

I'm hoping everything works for us to go Dec. 11 but I won't know for a few weeks if everything's lining up for us to go up there then.

I did my usual checking out the due date and if it works I'll be due around 8/28 just after my b-day. Which would be kinda cool. I'd have the best Christmas and b-day presents ever, being pregnant for Christmas and A baby for my b-day.


And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive
And well...I'm alive and well
Kenny Chesney, I'm Alive

Out of hiding

I'm back from my hiatus. I'm feeling better about things for the most part. I had a rough time Tuesday after I watched an 18 yr old client at work w/ her baby for 2 hrs which sucked. Then went to a fall festival w/ DH and MIL where MIL's 3 yr old niece was mistaken for our daughter. It wasn't the person's fault it was the obvious conclusiion when you are introduced to an older lady her son and dil and a young child. It still stung for a minute.

We've decided to do a final transfer before moving on. I'm not absolutely convinced it's the best decision but it's the decision I can best live w/. Banks would be happy to move on to adoption immediately, I need to have the closure of doing one last transfer.

Either way come January I'll either be pregnant or starting the adoption process. I feel much better having a time frame to deal w/. I know this will all be settled one way or the other by the new year.

I'll admit I'm scared that if it's negative it'll ruin the holidays but the truth is w/ JK being pregnant and due in Jan. they're gonna be rough anyway. Am I crazy to schedule this for right at the holidays?

Where I'm at...

Thanks for the support everyone, I appreciate it. Your understanding and sympathy means a lot. Not many irl get how hard this is.

DH and I are going to have dinner next week w/ His Uncle and Aunt who adopted their daughter. It's been 20+ years since then but it's a place to start looking into adoption and gather some info. He wants to use the same agency they did but I'm not sold on them. Their wait time for a caucasian infant is 2-4 yrs, for biracial 8-18 months. Both are on the longer side plus a couple of other things I don't love about it. However, his uncle does legal work for them which DH thinks will help move things along, I'm not so sure...

I really feel like I have to do one more fet. I think a part of me will always wonder what if, I need to do this to have closure before we move on.

Would I be crazy to look into transferring 3 if we do one more fet? A kind of hail mary pass thing. The idea of triplets scares the heck out of me b/c of my health and the prematurity of the babies. The main issue is that b/c of Turner's multiples increase my risk of aortic dissection which is life threatening. Any thoughts on how many to transfer if we do another fet?

I have to be honest and say I don't know if I'd be able to consider selective reduction in the case of trips, not saying we wouldn't ultimately decide we had no choice but I'd definitely hesitate to do that.

It was Negative

No big surprise and I'm not as upset as last time, at least not yet. I'm still pretty numb. I'm not sure what we'll be doing next, we're definitely going to start putting together adoption info but I don't know if we'll do a FET during or not.

Financially I don't know if doing both is feasible or not. I don't even know how many of our snowbabies are left. The nurse is e-mailing me w/ that info though.

I also don't know if emotionally I can keep doing this, I don't want to waste much more time. If I had a crystal ball and knew it would work soon of course I'd keep going but w/ not knowing part of me wants to just focus on the next step.

The idea of giving up on being pregnant is SOOOO hard. I spent most of my life thinking pregnancy wasn't even possible but once I learned of Donor Egg in my late teens it was something that became improtant to me.

Debating between letting go of expreincing all that goes w/ pregnancy vs. wasting time on something that might not work but if it did would be amazing is tearing me apart right now.

To add insult to injury I have to face the holidays and seeing J.K. (godbrother's wife) either about to give birth or w/ a newborn. I love the holidays and I hate that IF is ruining them for me. I'm dreading sitting through Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Christmas dinner and all the other get togethers we're at w/ them during the holidays. What I hate most is that I'm bitter enough right now to feel like that.

Not Good News

I took an hpt today and it was negative. W/ the beta being tomorrow I'm thinking the FET didn't work. There's a tiny possibility that I'll be surprised tomorrow but I doubt it.

I'm just at a loss, it kills me that I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth. When I was home for Labor Day my family was doting on my gobbrother's pregnant wife and it's awful but I hate that I might never get to be the pregnant one that everyone is looking after. I so wanted to have morning sickness, and sonograms, and cankles, and feel my baby kick inside me.

I don't know if DH and I are going to try 1 more FET or not but right now I am just tired and want to be a mom. I hate that we have to deal with this...

2ww :(

I HATE the 2ww. It's driving me crazy and I've got 3 days to go. I'm so scared it didn't work and what that would mean for us.
DH wants to do one more FET but I'm not sure about taking the time to do that before we move forward w/ adoption. Then again part of me thinks maybe the 3rd time would be the one that works and we have the snowbabies so why not. The worry I have is that the wait for your average domestic or international adoption is a year to 2 yrs and I don't know if I can spend anymore time before starting that process w/o driving myself crazy. Not to mention that I need to have made some type of progress towards being a mom before Christmas or seeing my godbrother's extremely pregnant wife will kill me and ruin my favorite time of year. I can handle it if I'm pregnant or we're in process for adoption b/c I can remind myself that I'll be a mom too, eventually.
Of course this FET might be a BFP and it'll be a non-issue. I hate how the 2ww screws w/ your mind. I'm trying to stay busy and keep myself distracted but it's only working up to a certain point. I really wish I could just fastforward to Tuesday and know one way or the other.
I'm watching North and South which is 24 hrs of distraction and a favorite of mine (patrick swazye in the eighties was awesome).

Heading Home

We fly out in the morning and I'm so ready to get home. I miss our furbaby and our bed. So far bedrest has been fine, the nice thing about doing this oot is that the 2ww won't start getting to me until we get home.

I'm going to try to hold out for Beta day and test that morning so I know what to
expect but we'll see if I can hold to that. I'll only have 5 days or so to get through.

Right now I feel very good about things, I don't know if it's wishful thinking or instincts but for now I'm hopeful and optimistic. This is why I added the ticker I want to enjoy this optimism while it lasts.

I'm actually thinking in terms of if it works and if so how we'll tell. What stinks is that people know approximately when we should know (thanks to our BFN cycle and memories that are too good).

I want to tell our parents in person but mine live 5 hrs away. I kinda told my mom I'd love for them to come out next weekend, which should be the day after our 2nd beta if it works, so I'd have a distraction. I'm hoping they can so we can tell both sets at the same time. Mine didn't get to hear about the engagment in person so I feel like they should get this at least. It would be different if they were both away but Banks' parents get all this stuff and it bothers my Mom.

If I were asked to name the chief benefit of the house, I should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace.
Gaston Bachelard

Back from FET

It went well, transferred 2 blasts that thawed well. The only bad thing was we had to wait about an hr to go back. The waiting room was full of kids hile we were there which was crazy to me.

The actual transfer was smooth and quick.

I just have to make it to Tuesday 9/22 for the Beta. Since we'll be here till Thurs I'm hoping the next week passes quickly. Still feeling good and DH is waiting on me hand and foot.

Here's a pic of the embies we transferred.

Off to FET

Getting ready to head to FET. After getting in late last night we crashed and then we got up way too early. At least we can get some sleep today ;)

I'm hoping 2 of our 10 thawed well and things go well. I'm getting a little nervous and I'll feel better once we get there and know for sure what's up.

All in all I'm feeling really positive so we'll see. I'll update later.

we're set!

FINALLY!! We're ready to move forward w/ the FET, transfer will be on 9/14. I can't wait. I'm feeling optimistic and excited it just feels like things are falling into place at last.

Lining was a 9 triple stripe so that's perfect, TSH was good as was everything else so we're set to go.

Banks and I will have to make the travel arrangements tonight or tomorrow and then we'll be set.

I'm doing crinone and pio this time, mixing it up a bit to see what happens.

I couldn't resist and if/when the FET works I'd be due June 1. That just seems cool for some reason. As you can tell I'm not doing so great w/ not getting ahead of myself. For now though I'm happy and excited and that's all that matters.

We're Back on Track

We're on our way to our FET again. I had my baseline u/s and b/w this morning (a story in itself) and it came back fine. I started estrace, 3 orally and 1 vaginally daily. I have my lining check on September 2 and if it's nice and fluffy we'll do our FET around 9/9.

So yesterday at work was insane and crazy and I called the monitoring clinic once and didn't get the scheduler. Someone came up so I didn't get a chance to leave a message and then I didn't get a chance to call them back. So I got up and got there at 7 nd threw myself on their mercy, they didn't have time to work me in then but had an opening at 8:30 so I take it.

I leave and go to work and sign in early then leave and take lunch and head over. I get there and there's a man sitting in the waiting area w/ a little girl who's probably about 3. Normally I don't see having kids there as a big deal, it's rude but oh well, however they don't allow children in the treatment area so he basically came to sit w/ the little girl, my question is why. He couldn't go back w/ his wife so why not just stay at home w/ the little girl while the wife went to the appointment? Then the wife comes out and proceeds to fix the little girl's hair in the waiting room. Now I could understand this if it was a hot day but it was still very cool why not take her out to the car and fix her hair there? Anyway the whole situation just bugged me.

all that matters though is that we're set, I've started my meds and w/ a little luck in abut 4 weeks I'll be officially ku.

No Go

Dr. wants to cancel, between my thyroid and my lining only being an 8 he thinks it's smarter to start fresh and try next month.

He want to get my TSH down a little more and get my lining thicker. Hopefully next month will go better.

This cmpletely sucks. :(

It's never easy

Ugh it's been a less than stellar day. Went in and had my u/s, it was fine I had an 8 triple stripe lining.

I call the oot coordinator nurse around 10 and finally get a call back around 1, she tells me the dr. wants my TSH checked before we finalize things, why she couldn't tell me that before I don't know. Pati was definitely more organized and on top of things than this nurse.

I take an hr off work and run get it done, of course they close before the results get there but I'm able to get the results.

My tsh is 5.4 which is high normal depending on the scale. I'm now in the waiting zone, I have no idea whether he's going to ok the cycle or not. I really really don't want another delay.

So basically I'm stuch waiting until Monday to see what he says, I'm really hoping when they're in tomorrow morning they'll see it and let me know something but I don't know if they will. I need to know to what the plan is.

Any good vibes my way would be appreciated.

After everything we're going through for this fet it really has to work.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

Banks and I celebrated our anniversary last night. We went to the melting pot and it was fun. We had a lovely night out and really enjoyed ourselves.

I'm getting anxious for our fet. I'll be going in for my lining check Friday and we'll know then if we're all set. I feel really good about things and I'm a lot less nervous than w/ our fresh. I'm hoping that's a good sign.

I'm really ready to start looking into adoption if this fet doesn't work, we may still do one last fet just b/c we can but I don't think I can do this for much longer.

I look at some of the women who have been pursuing this for years and I can't imagine the strength it takes to keep at it time after time. I'm ready to look to the next step and focus on being a Mom.

That's the update.

Good News!!!

The retest came back at 3.2 which is a little high but fine. The Endocrinologist is going to readjust my meds a tiny bit but has greenlighted the cycle.

Our best guess is that a lab tech wrote 282 and put the decimal in the wrong spot.

Anyway, I'm extremely excited and can't wait to move forward w/ our fet. I'll be starting estrace tomorrow and then having a lining check August 10!

I'm so excited. I feel like this is a good sign, despite the craziness of yesterday.

FUIF

Got the tsh back and according to their lab it's 28.2
I almost lost it right then and there at work out of frustration. The nurse thinks it might be a lab error so she wants me to retest tomorrow at a different lab to double check it.

I can't believe it went from .26 to 28.2 in 1 month while on meds. I could see it getting high but for it to get that high I'd almost have to be on no meds at all.

I'm trying to hold onto hope that it is lab error but right now I just want to say FUIF and break something. I'm so tired of this crap and I just want to be able to cycle already.

Part of it was I really felt great about the timing, I'd be due in early May before it got ridiculously hot. My mom would only be able to come for a few days for the birth and then have to go back to work until June which would give me time to adjust w/o her breathing down my neck.

I'm trying not to cry out of frustration right now. I'm so sick of having to plan our lives around IF and I hate being stuck at my job b/c I need time off for IF treatments and don't want to waste time building up time at a new job first. Not to mention needing the money.

Basically I'm sad, angry and frustrated. I'll update tomorrow.


"Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.”
Eric Hoffer

Testing

So AF showed on schedule Friday, and I e-mailed the clinic to set up things on the hope that my TSH is normal. The nurse L said to set up my baseline u/s and bloodwork, which includes TSH, for Monday. The only issue is that the monitoring clinic here hd closed for the weekend 30 minutes before. So I have to schedule it Monday morning. Tuesday should be allright, correct? I'm on HRT and I've stopped it so it should be fine, I think. If not I guess I'll have to try to get in and take lunch and go.

I'm so nervous. I'm so ready for this FET. So I'm hoping that I can get the baseline stuff done and then start the process. I'm worried that my TSH won't be normal and I won't be able to go forward right now.

Anyway, if you don't mind sending good thoughts my way that the TSH and all other levels are where they should be I'd really appreciate it.

Froggie went A-Courting

I had the strangest thing happen today that seemed like a really good sign so I wanted to post about it. (even if it's really silly)

Growing up my godmother and godfather would sing Froggie went A-Courting to me when we were hanging out.

They were battling IF for the second time struggling to have baby #2 b/c of endo so they spent a lot of time w/ me and have always treated me as their honorary daughter so I heard it a lot. They did eventually have a little girl when I was older and she and I are very close.

Today I was driving to the store on my lunch break and I notice this little tree frog sitting on the front of my car. I watched it the whole way to Ta*rget and it stayed there. When I got there I parked by some trees and it didn't move and I chased it off and then it jumped on me (on my stomach)then onto the ground.

For some reason it felt like a sign that things were going to work out. For some reason it felt like the frog represented us trying and if it made it we'd have our baby. This was also just after I'd talked to my Endocrinologist's nurse about rechecking my tsh and set that up. Silly or not it felt good to feel real hope again that the FET will work and I will be a Mom.

Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride.
With a sword and a pistol by his side, Uh-huh
-Froggie Went A-Courtin'
Bob Dylan

Counting Down

I'm anxiously waiting to get my TSH checked. I could go next week or the week after that. Part of me wants to wait an extra week just to be safe and give it the best chance. I'm so ready to know though so I don't know if I can handle aiting an extra week.

I'm really hoping that we can cycle in August, looking at the calendar I think it's going to be August 21st at the soonest. We could try to make August 14 work but it would be a stretch to get everything lined up by then.

Anyway, I'm so ready I'm tired of waiting and I'm really hoping to be ready to go ASAP.

There's not much else going on we had a great long weekend at the beach which was really nice. Other than that it's the same old thing.

Waiting

I'm soo tired of waiting. I'm really hoping things start moving ASAP, we've got ~ 3 weeks until TSH is tested. I'd love, love, love to do the FET August 14 or 21. I don't think I can take another month of waiting. I'm having a really hard time w. it right now.

I'm ready to move forward and either start our family or start working on adoption. I'm still worried about the time adoption takes and the fact that I could be pushing 31 by the time it happens if we go that route and we wait too much longer to start.

I'm just so ready to be a mom and have my life start again. Right now it feels like I'm in limbo just waiting for the next step to happen. I can't get a new job until we're done w/ cycling b/c I wouldn't have time off to travel. I can't quit the job I hate b/c we need the money and the insurance coverage. I just want to be able to make decisions that aren't controlled by IF and our cycling.

I had a good time saturday w/ our friends and they're newborn. He was adorable and I feed him his bottle and cuddled him for a while after dinner. It was so close to what I want so badly that it was bitter sweet.

Bottom line I'm frustrated and ready for something to happen so we can either cycle and (hopefully) get pregnant or be able to start working on adopting.

“None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting a few months or a few years to change all the tenor of our lives.”
Kathleen Norris

All Quiet on the Western Front

Time is passing and I'm doing better.  I'm looking forward to a nice weekend so I just have to get through tomorrow.
The only issue w/ the weekend is that we're having our friends who just had a baby over Saturday and it'll be the first time I've seen the baby.  Usually that's not a problem for me, pregnant women hurt but babies are just precious but I'm a little nervous about it so any good thoughts would be appreciated.
 
Outside of that Banks and I had a nice date night tonight and it was fun. 
 
I also totally splurged and ordered a Kindle DX, fingers crossed I don't regret it.  I think I'll get a lot of use out of it and I'm hoping it'll keep us from needing a 6th bookcase that we have no room for.  I'd been saving up for a while and decided that's what I wanted to spend it on.  We've been doing really well w/ savings and we have enough for our FET trip (whenever it happens) so I decided to indulge in a bit of retail therapy and get it.

Bring on the Rain

I got a pregnacy anouncement that hit me hard. Normally they don't really bother me beyond a minor twinge but this one really hurt.

My godbrother/family friend and his wife are expecting due in January. I'm very happy for them they are both great people but it hurts. Their due date is the same as ours would of been if our cycle had worked hit me hard. On top of that I'm freaking out that it's going to take forever to get my TSH back up and we won't be able to cycle for months, then it won't work and we'll be waiting another year+ to adopt. Basically my mind is heding into the worst case scenario territory which is SO SO SO not good for me.

I'm going to take a long bath w/ an adult beverage watch a sappy movie and cry it out. :(

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
JoDee Messina

TSH results in

and it's not good. It's only come up to .26 (from .22)after 4 weeks so we've lowered my meds again and I'll have to wait another 4-6 weeks to check it again and for our FET.

I just want this to happen already. Maybe this is a sign that we should quit and go straight to adoption, but I'm so not ready to do that yet. I really want this to work and I'm getting so frustrated with waiting. I want to be pregnant and have our baby.

I'm getting scared it's going to take months to get my TSH back in line and we'll have lost all this time, and if it takes too long maybe only get 1 FET before the year is up. I really really really want to do our FET soon.

I'm pretty disappointed/upset about this even though it's no one's fault. I'll e-mail the FET nurse monday and get a plan together. Hopefully I can go off my HRT and that way if the tsh comes back normal next time we can immediately start working on the FET w/o waiting for me to suppress. Even with that the absolute soonest we can cycle will be early to mid August which makes me sad.

Seriously....

Banks is an idiot.

I went to see the proposal tonight w/ the female members of DH's family, it was really fun and we had a great time, the movie was really funny and cute! However, at dinner MIL mentions the immediate family's trip to the Beach (MIL, FIL, BIL, and us) which I tell her I'm looking forward too and ask when we're going, she says July 17th. Apparently DH was a dumbass and when she asked said that weekend was fine. I get home and ask him about it and he says he had no clue. Really b/c we had a detailed convo about it ohh a month ago!!!

In his defense he's the worst (or best) person to talk too when he's watching tv, he has no clue what you're saying, I thought he was listening but apparently not. So now I have to either postpone a week or more :( or miss out on the beach which I'm really looking forward too.

I'm so irritated with him right now. All he had to do was call me and ask, he knew we were planning the FET for July so why didn't he check with me about it?

Anyway, I'm annoyed but I'll deal.

T-3days

3 days and counting until my thyroid test. I'm impatiently waiting to see what the results are.

I so so so want to transfer on July 17, it's silly but it seems like such good timing. I'd be due right around Easter which is a such a hopeful time. It would be wonderful not to mentn that my Mom would be off for spring break which would be geat.

It would be such a let down having to wait again. I just want this cycle to work so I'll do what I have to but I can't help but hope it'll be sooner than later.

Anyway, hoping to have lots to update soon.

Work Vent/Whine

Work sucks. They're switching us to a paid time off system, which is fine, but they're using it to reduce our time off by 10 days. Really what the heck, they pay us pennies and the only reason I'm working there is the benefits. I really don't know how much longer I can stick it out. I really have to make it to the fall at least but if I don't have a quit day soon or I'm going to lose it.

The work environment is awful, it's just so negative. It's clear that the only thing that the powers that be care about is money and they're running off the quality staff that actually care about the patients.

Anyway, that stuff stinks but I'm trying to think positively that after July I'll be counting down to quitting to be a SAHM. It's times like this that I hate our IF, if we didn't have to pay for DE IVF, FETs, etc. we could comfortably live on DHs salary and I could work a job I want to work instead of being miserable all week.

Nothing new on the FET front, just waiting.

Anyway

Random Updates

Nothing new to report. Just waiting for the month to pass so I can check my TSH.
Had to sit through L&D stories at a get together the other night, but in their defense none of them knew about our IF, it was just a girls night that friend invited me too (she knew of course). Anyway a few of the other girls that I didn't know started sharing their L&D stories, which was so fun for me :(

Other than that things are good. Just waiting but enjoying my summer so far.

30 day Shred

I'm going to track my progress w/ the 30 day shred here.
Level 1
Day 1: Totally kicked my butt, really good workout though
Day 2: Still tough but a tiny bit better, I'm liking it I'll post my progress after day 10
Day 3: I got through it a lot easier, though it was still tough. Did well on the diet too.

Finding the Silver Lining

I found the silver lining to the delay. The more I think about it given how incredibly low my TSH was(TSH was .22) I really think it was probably low when we cycled which could have prevented implantation. If that was the problem given how good our embabies look if we fix my TSH then there is every reason to expect the FET to be a complete success, especially w/ transferring 2.

So I finally truly got my hope back and feel excited and optimistic about the FET leading us to our BFP!

So despite the delay and my initial reaction as always every cloud has a silver lining.

I'm also going to take June and get serious about getting healthy. I've been trying but it hasn't been working, given my TSH that's no surprise, so I'm going to start fresh on June 1 w/ the 30 day shred and dieting. So wish me luck!

Dissapointed

I had my TSH/free t4 checked Friday and the results came back today and it's not good news. My TSH is .22, normal is between 1 & 2. So I start a new level of meds tomorrow to get the numbers back up but it'll be 4-6 weeks.

We have to postpone our cycle until at least July and that's if my TSH doesn't go too high and have to be adjusted again. I was so looking forward to cycling next month.

I know July isn't that far but it just seems like it right now. I know waiting is for the best but it's still really dissapointing.

I'm just glad I listened to my instincts and had it tested. I've been hypothyroid for years and the past few weeks I've had symptoms that indicated my meds were off so I called and got the nurse to order the test. I'm also wondering if maybe it was really low when we cycled b/c that can cause implantation failure. It wasn't checked right around the cycle so we'll never know but I do wonder.

I just wish it could be easier for us.

That's my update.

Beachin' it

Banks and I are headed to the beach for the long weekend :)
We're going w/ J&C and Munch as well as another couple that I don't know as well but they're dealing w/ IF and had a m/c a couple months ago.

I'm looking forward to getting away, even though the weather is suppossed to be awful. I'm planning to do lots of reading and knitting and chitchatting.

I'm hoping it's going to be a nice low key relaxing and fun long weekend. If nothing else it'll be nice to get away for a few days.

No news on the cycle of course. Starting to hope we can shoot for a mid- June instead of end of June ET. And we are planning to take the chance of twins and transfer 2 this time. I'd still prefer a singleton but twins would be good too.

I run to you

So things are much better here. I actually had a random thought about the FET working the other day, the first time I've been truly hopeful about it since the BFN.

It got me thinking and as much as the BFN hurt and was awful something good came of it. Banks has said all along that he was worried about what it would do to us if DE didn't work (b/c it was so important to me). I think it made us both feel better that as w/ most things it's just brought us closer.

I think it made Banks feel a lot better that even at it's worst he could make it better. He's such a guy and he hates not being able to fix things for me. We did what we usually do when things get rough and we turned to each other. I still wish the cycle had worked but at least something good came out of it.

Right now we're just waiting for my next AF so we can plan the FET. I'll let Pati know when it comes and we'll go from there. It'll hopefully be sometime in June, preferably on a Friday.

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
"I run to you" Lady Antebellum

My Angel

Thanks so much Rebecca&Nathan for the lovely Angel of Hope. The card was too cute as well. I needed the symbol of hope so much to keep the faith for our FET.

Tarah thanks for setting up the exchange, it really helped make M day easier having something to look forward to.

ETA: by request, the card is in French, it's a print of an old underwear advertisement. It says "try them you will jump for joy". It has these adorable animals w/ tighty whities, it's very cute and funny.

NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) I thought I'd post this, it's perfectly describes what I feel and where I'm at in our journey to parenthood.

All over the place

I'm still hanging in. I just wish I was in a better place emotionally, I'm all over the place.
I'm scared it won't work one minute, sure it will the next, terrified that we're wasting time when we could be pursuing adoption after that.

I think part of it is (and I know that this is stupid and not true) I feel like I failed on my part. The donor did awesome and gave us 17 mature eggs, Banks did his part and we ended up w/ 20 good to great embies all that was left was for the embie we transferred to settle in nice and snug for the next 9 months. So while I know better I still feel like I was the one who let us down. At least some of the time, the rest of the times I know better and it doesn't bother me.

So I'm making a little progress, and I start the 30 day shred today which will hopefully get me in great shape bef0re our FET.

Our DE fresh cycle Timeline

I was always curious about this when I was researching/preparing to cycle so here is ours.

Our DE Journey
{9/16/08} Fill out and Mail paperwork for CNY
{9/22/08} Get Bloodwork and other Tests done
{9/23/08} schedule Phone Consult
{10/01/08} Phone Consult with Dr. K.
{10/15/08} Talked to Pati and set up Mock Cycle
{11/06/08} HSG and complete mock cycle. Both excellent
{11/10/08} On self induced break until March
{1/04/09} Donor Chosen
{1/5/09} Selected donor but she left program
{1/6/09} Selected Donor 2 and requested her
{1/07/9} Donor 2 confirmed!
{1/30/09} Off HRT until cycle
{2/11/09} Donor got AF
{3/3/09} Donor Started Lupron
{3/23/09} Donor starts Stims, I start Estrace & Baby Aspirin
{4/8/09} Fly up to NY
{4/9/09} Donor ER
{4/14/09} 5dt of 1 terrific blast
{4/22/09} BFN :(

I'm OK

I’m doing ok. Yesterday was much better than Weds, and today is better than yesterday. I gave myself yesterday to be down and upset as much as I wanted and got it out of my system.

I e-mailed Pati about doing a FET and that timing is fine I’m supposed to e-mail her around Mem. Day. to set up a schedule for the FET.
I’m actually feeling pretty optimistic, w/ so many great frosties I feel like this FET has a pretty good chance of working. The only thing that has me nervous is that the FET success rates there are on the low side, I think that’s from before they switched to vitrification though which could make a big difference.

Anyway, right now I’m focusing on the positives; some great frozen embies and we have a really good plan.

I think part of why I feel better is Banks isn’t talking about waiting to start working on adopting, originally he was wanting to wait until we saved up for that which could be a few years, now he’s talking about if this fet doesn’t work (I’m really hoping it does) that we’d start working on the adoption side of things as we’re gearing up for a final fet. So even if DE doesn’t work for us w/ a little luck we should still be parents w/i a couple of years, one way or another. I feel really good about that while I want to be pregnant and experience all of that, I really just want to be a mom so I’m ok w/ taking that step and the sooner the better.

First things first though I have some time to get in shape and be at my healthiest before the FET. Banks and I are starting the 30 day shred video on May 1 (it’s on our on demand so it’s free) which is supposed to be a great workout and I’m going to try really hard to loose some weight and eat healthier and be in shape before then. Plus we’re hitting swimsuit season ;).

So that's where I'm at, hopeful and waiting w/ a little prep work thrown in.

As expected BFN

I got a BFN today. I'm not surprised and so far I'm doing ok. It comes and goes, I'm ok one minute a total mess the next.

I'm a planner so Banks and I came up w/ a plan. We're going to cycle again in mid-late june if at all possible. If that doesn't work we'll try once more and begin working on adoption. For the first time DH said that we'd find a way to be parents no matter what it costs. It makes me feel better to know he's as committed to that goal as I am.

I'm glad to have a plan and I'm going to let my self be whiny and mopey for tonight and tomorrow and then try to deal and go from there.

Beta this Morning

Heading for beta shortly, still not feeling terribly optimistic. I'm hoping that I get lucky and the hpts were wrong but I'm expecting a call that it's a BFN.

I can't post at work so I'll update once I get home.

Still negative

I'm seriously getting worried now, there's not even the barest hint of a line on an early detection dollar tree test (measures an hcg level of 25).

I'm starting to loose hope. My original beta date was thurs. so even if I have hcg in my system it would be below 50 then which would not be good. My clinic looks for an hcg of 50 or higher on the first beta so I'm thinking I'm going to end up in beta hell or w/ a negative.

I'm trying to prepare myself, the reality is acoording to beta base I should have been able to get a + on a low level hpt today. The fact that I didn't can't be good. Maybe I'll be pleasently surprised but I'm really not expecting it at this point. There's a slim, slim chance that I'll have a low but not horrible beta tomorrow but I have to face the fact that the odds are not in my favor right now.

I really wish I could go ahead and have my beta today and get it over w/ if it's a miracle BFP then I could breath a little bit and if it's not at least I'd now and could stop the pio.

Either way I've got to make it through today and most of tomorrow at least I should know something by 3pm tomorrow.

Negative HPT

I started testing this morning and it was negative. It's not really a surprise @ only 6dp5dt (11 dpo) it was really unlikely to be positive. Especially since I know it isn't twins.

I'm still really disappointed I'll feel so much better once I get a + hpt. I'm also really getting nervous about whether it worked or not.

I wish I could just fast forward to Weds and know one way or the other. Seriously somebody needs to invent a time machine for the 2ww.

Oh well, hoping that I have different news tomorrow.

Nerves

The nerves hit today. I was feeling SOOO positive and great until this morning when for some reason I started to get nervous.

I don't know why the nerves hit there is every reason to be hopeful but the fear of it not working kind of wriggled in for some reason today.

I'm going to try my best to hold off poas until Weds. but since I have a 2 pack hpt I may test on Tuesday.

I want this to work so badly that the idea of a BFN scares the heck out of me. I want to be a mom and I would be so thrilled to be pregnant and almost due this Christmas. I want to be a mom by 2010.

Anyway it's going to be a LOOONG 4 days waiting for Weds to get here. So any calm and peaceful vibes you want to send my way would be great!

Frosties!

We have 10, yes 10 frozen embies. the 6 great ones from Tuesday continued doing great and were frozen and 4 of the others caught up and were doing well so they were frozen as well.

I have to admit it takes a lot of worry off knowing that if this transfer doesn't work (which I REALLY REALLY want it to) we have options. Especially given that the clinic does all FETs at no cost for the year following the fresh transfer.

I'm hoping I really am pregnant and we won't need any of them until we're ready for #2. The other thing that makes me really happy about it is I'd love to have 3 children and w/ this many embies I might be able to talk Banks into it. He'd prefer 2 at this point, but mainly due to the cost involved, since FETs are relatively inexpensive maybe just maybe I can sway him. Yeah I am SOOO jumping the gun even thinking about that.

Oh and we are back home and getting settled back in. It's so nice to be back in our own home. I enjoyed our trip but it'll be so nice to sleep in our own bed tonight.

ETA: I got the clinic to move up the beta to Weds, since they close early on Thurs and I was worried about gettting the results same day. I really didn't want to worry about that overnight. So that's another plus for the day!

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.
-Alice Walker

Being Optimistic

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy every moment of the next 2 weeks. If things turn out well I'll be glad to have enjoyed it and if they don't then I'll be heartbroken whether I enjoy this time or not. So I've put a pregnancy ticker on here. I also put a countdown to beta so forgive the ticker overload ;)

The stress of worrying over it will just make the 2ww that much harder so I'm going to stick w/ the thought that I'm PUPO and enjoy it. If nothing else if it's my only opportunity to have a pregnancy ticker I want to enjoy it.

Really though I'm feeling very positive and hopeful. We have every reason the think it's going to work and I'm going to stick w/ that until I have a reason not to.

I'm so debating about when to start poas, I've already have a couple digitals and I bought a more sensitive traditional hpt the other week. I'm SO tempted to hit the dollar store and get a few more and test all next week. I definitely want to test ahead of time I'm just not sure how early. I know that I definitely want to test on Beta day so I know what to expect.

I really kind of want to know if it's positive as soon as possible b/c of my hypothyroidism, last time it was checked it was on the very low side (perfect for ttc) but estrogen and pregnancy raises the # and my Endocrinologist wants to wait until I'm pregnant or not to recheck it. Being too high can cause miscarriage and other problems so the sooner I know the sooner I can call his nurse and get it checked and adjusted if necessary before it gets too high.

So I know testing positive before 12 dpo (7dp5dt) is unlikely I'm so tempted to do testing from Monday forward and see what happens. Which could just drive me nuts or let me know that much sooner.

Honestly it'll probably come downn to how lazy I am and if I make it to the dollar store for some cheapy tests!

Miracles happen every day. Not just in remote country villages or at holy sites halfway across the globe, but here, in our own lives.
- Deepak Chopra

I'm PUPO!

I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. We transferred one great blast and now I'm just resting. Dr. K thinks we should have 4 or 5 frosties. We had some great high quality blasts today.

Now we wait until beta on 4/23 which seems like forever away. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

DH also told his mom when beta is so I'm going to have to work to put off telling anyone. Oh well. If I can put it off until after the 2nd beta I don't mind telling our folks at that point. We'd want their support if something were to go wrong.

The due date would/will be Dec. 30 so here's hoping for the best Christmas Present ever!

Transfer Tomorrow

We're sitting around the hotel after spending most of the day in Cooperstown, NY. We went to the Baseball Hall of Fame and a couple of other places, it was fun.

Now that I don't have anything to do I'm getting a little antsy. I'm so ready for tomorrow and worried something will go wrong or for some reason we won't have any to transfer. It's silly but I'll just feel so much better after transfer.

I'm also anxious to see what the quality of the embryos are. I'm hoping to have a really high quality blast so we can do an eSET. I also really want to have a few frozens. It would make the 2ww so much easier if I know that we have another shot or a chance at a full sibling in a few years.

I still feel optimistic but the closer it gets the more anxious I get. At least ET is bright and early tomorrow at 8 am. I won't have long to wait before I know more.

After the transfer I'll do accu. then back to the hotel for bedrest. The clinic gives you valium for ET so I'm hoping I'll be nice and lazy most of the day. Then I'll continue bedrest until we leave Friday morning.

I have to admit I'm really looking forward to being home again. It's been fun being off but I'm so ready to be back in my own bed.

"Tomorrow! Tomorrow!I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always A day A way" Annie

15!!!

We have 15 embies that are developing properly in the lab right now! They retrieved 24, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized and are growing. This is very similar to the donor's last cycle where it was a BFP and there were a few frozens. So I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful that we'll not only get pregnant but we'll have a few frosties for a sibling in a few years!

We'll be doing a 5dt on Tuesday so now we're just pausing until then. We're hitting the zoo to keep us busy today and Sat. we're going to Niagra Falls. Should be fun.

We're still planning on a single embryo transfer but won't make the final decision until we hear how things look on Tuesday. It's very unlikely we'll do anything but an eSET unless things look very bad.

Boo No Retrieval Report :(

Sadly no retrieval report today. We went this morning for Banks to do his part and that went fine.

I should have a fert report tomorrow!

I'm really proud of myself, I gave myself the PIO shot last night and had no problems. I just didn't let myself over think it. Thanks to the EMLA cream I really didn't feel anything and I was able to rub it in really well after injecting so no lumps so far! Tonight is the other side and I'm not that ambidextrous so we'll see how that one goes.

I'll update once we have more news!

Green Light

We're a go. ER will be Thursday! Pati was really pleased w/ how the donor was doing, she had 20+ follies and looked great. I'm really curious to see how many embies we end up w/.

We're flying up tomorrow and geting settled in the hotel and then heading to the Clinic Thursday morning for Banks' part.

I'm not sure if we'll get a retrieval report or just a fert report the next day.

Since they don't do transfers on Sundays we'll have ET on Monday or Tuesday. Which is a day 4 or 5 transfer.

I'll be very bored hanging out in the hotel so I'll probably be pretty good about updating.

Quick Update

A little news but we're still waiting. Talked to Pati yesterday and the donor is doing great. 10+ follies on each side most 17/18 or larger, lead follie is 20. Her e2 is 4217 so they had her coast last night and do just lupron, no Gonal F

They wanted to give it one more night so the donor is going in this morning to be checked and then Pati's going to let me know whether we're doing thurs or friday ER.

I'm so ready for the wait to be over! I'm on pins and needles I'm so excited and nervous and just ready for it to happen. The agony of waiting is getting to me. I'm SOO impatient that any waiting is hard for me but this is so hard.

All in all though I'm doing fine, just ready for the next step!!

Minor Freak Out

So I freaked out a little today. So I get back to work from picking up the food for a co-worker’s baby shower that I some how round up organizing (that’s a whole different post) and I check my phone. I’d been checking it relentlessly all morning waiting on an update from Pati. I have an e-mail from Pati and she says the donor won’t be ready for ER until Weds/Thurs. Well in the midst of unloading the car and setting up for the lunch baby shower I forget to count only to trigger and not ER so I freak out over how long she’s stimming. Well before I have time to realize Banks calls and I tell him how worried I am. He calls Pati, well I decide to e-mail Pati and get more info. I also post on tttc where a friend points out the trigger vs. ER issue and I realize what I’d done. So I e-mail Pati again and told her I figured it out and to ignore my minor freak out.

Anyway weds would be 14 days of stims which is fine. I do wish they’d check her on Sat/Sun just to be safe but I trust them that Monday will be fine.

I got details of her progress to date and I feel better. I really think she’ll trigger Monday and we’ll be up there Weds and through the next week.
I’m going to take off 4/17 regardless. I don’t see the point of going in for 1 day and it would be nice to have that extra 3 days of being low key once we get home.

In retrospect it's a little funny. I'm totally fine now and not concerned at all. I'm just really excited and ready for next week!!! I think that's why I freaked today I was so excited and it was getting so close that when that happened it just threw me for a loop.

10-15

That's the number of follies Pati said the donor has cooking. I'm hoping that's the same as her last cycle.

She said retrieval will be Monday or Tuesday, so I'm anxiously waiting to find out on Friday so we can make plans and get airplane tickets and hotel reservations. I'll feel better once we're set to go and once we're up tere.

I'm getting nervous about whether this is going to work. I don't want a huge number of eggs. Just enough for a couple of pregnancies. If this is the same way she stimmed last time it'll be fine. She had 13 retrieved and 2 put back and a BFP for the couple as well as 3 frozen embabies. I really want this to work and the closer it gets the more nervous I am that it won't.

I was really doing fine and was not worried/nervous at all until today. The next month is going to be SOOO hard. I have to remind myself to take it one step at a time. First ER then worry about ET then worry about Beta then the first u/s. Ugh it's going to be soo hard to stay calm.

Basically I'm just really excited and nervous and can't wait. I just have to get through this week!!

"she's doing terrific"

that's what Pati said when I checked w/ her today. No specifics on how the donor is doing just that things are going well and moving along for retrieval to be on Monday (4/6).

As for me my lining is plumping up and is already @ 8 today. I'm hoping for a nice fluffy lining for transfer. Still continuing estrace and baby aspirin.

I'm just getting really excited. I was thinking about the fact that this time next week we should be in Syracuse and have info on Egg retrieval.

So things are going along and ae going well. I'm just excited and so far I'm doing really well and patiently waiting for next week.

Let's Get This Party Started!

Yeah! the donor is starting stims tonight. I'm so excited and happy and I can't believe it's REALLY REALLY happening.

I'm also sooo glad to be starting estrace again. I've been miserable the last couple weeks w/ ht flashes and all the other lovely menopausal symptoms that come w/ being off HRT.

CNY also has me doing baby aspirin.

We're looking at ER being on/around April 6, and ET between April 9-11.

I have my lining check on 3/30, which I've already scheduled.

The donor has monitoring on 3/30, 4/1, & 4/3

roughly 15 days and counting.

One step forward, 2 steps Back

920 got her lupron bleed!! Pati e-mailed and said she’d gotten her bleed and was coming in today. Pati said she’d update me once that happened and she had info for me.

Boo, the donor has a cyst so she’s going to continue lupron till next Monday and see if it’s gone. This is a mixed bag. On the one hand it puts things off a week which makes me sad, on the other hand if she stims for the same length of time as her last cycle we’ll be in town for Wicked which would be great. On the negative side that puts the edd around Christmas. I totally didn’t want that but oh well. I’ll totally be over that if the cycle works.

I guess basically I’m disappointed but ok. I e-mailed Pati about how long it would be before the cyst was gone and she said it could take up to 2 weeks. So it looks like retrieval and transfer will be in April instead of March.

I’m really ready for things to get moving but it also really feels like the delays are for a reason. I’m trusting God and hanging in for now.

Home from the Hospital

Banks scared the heck out of me Thursday.

I was at my bible study and when we wrapped up I went to turn the ringer back on my phone and hd 16 missed messages from everyone but Banks. That sent me into a panic b/c I knew that couldn't be good. So I quickly called back one of the people and She told me that Banks was in the hospital b/c of an erratic heartbeat. So I rush over there and he's in an exam room and his friend and parents were w/ him.

They admitted Banks and we were there for 2 long days. They tested him for Addison b/c his mom has it, ran some heart tests but never found anything of concern. They gave him a prescription for a beta blocker and sent us home today w/ instructions to follow up w/ a pcp this week.

I'm so glad he's ok. He says he feels much better and the doctor feels that the beta blocker should keep his heart from doing thsi again.

Anyway that was the beginning of our weekend.

No News

Donor has been on Lupron for 9 days and so far hasn't reported getting AF. Pati said she'd have her in for an U/S Friday to see what's going on if she doesn't call before then.

The waiting is getting to me. Being SOOO close to the actual ER/ET and still so far away is making me very antsy for things to get started.

Anyway wanted to update.

So it begins

The donor is scheduled to start Lupron tonight! I'm not sure if ER is still going to be around March 16 or not. Initially she said 920 would start lupron on the 25th (the day 920 got AF) but she was just guesstimating and I don't know if she meant the 3rd or if it's pushing things back a week.

Regardless I'm so excited things are coming together. We're really doing this and on our way to our cycle! I'm so excited. I can't wait to get to Syracuse and have ET.

Time passes

Time's flying by but no real news to report. I had my baseline u/s yesterday morning and it was fine. Don't know about the bloodwork but since I didn't hear I'm assuming it's fine. I'm just waiting for the donor to do lupron and have her baseline.

Apparently she's not starting lupron until 3/3 so I don't know if that changes the approximate ER or not. I'm going to ask tomorrow. CNY hasn't received my test results so I need to call about that tomorrow.

Anyway that's all we've got going on right now.

Meds are In!!!

I received our meds today!! The PIO needles and syringes, sharps container, vaginal progesterone, doxy, and valium are all sitting on our dining room table. It's funny how excited I am about receiving a bunch of needles and medicines. It's like a reminder that this is REALLY happening.

I am freaking out a little about self injecting the PIO. Banks isn't able to give the injections so I'm on my own. I've been watching youtube videos on it and I think I can do it. I gave my own growth hormone shots for awhile and did fine. I'm more nervous about being able to reach the right area w/ my short arms. I'll figure it out I guess.

Other than that things are good. My parents are coming in this weekend and it'll be nice to see them but I have to get the house in shape before they come. Mom can be a little hypercritical when it comes to housekeeping so I've got to make sure the house is ready.

We also received our consent paperwork today and we've got it filled out to mail back tomorrow. Between that and the meds it's finally feeling real. It's still hard to imagine that next month this time we'll hopefully be having egg retrieval.

“Get excited and enthusiastic about you own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire - you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away.”
Denis Waitley

Here we go!!!

The donor got her period today, maybe my whining did some good ;)

I'll order the meds on Friday and then we're looking at a tentative ER date of March 16. Depending on how long she stims and all the other ifs. I can't believe it's really happening.

To top it off my awesome ILs are helping us financially which is great. And then my wonderful and terrific Grandad offered us help too. This removes so much of the stress from the financial aspect. I really didn't expect this but I was talking to Grandad and Mom had filled him in and he asked if he could help. He's always been the best Papa but this is something I can never thank him enough for. I'm feeling really lucky tonight.

Impatient

I’m really starting to freak out about 920 not getting her period yet. If she doesn’t get it by Feb. 11 we’re going to have a scheduling problem. Banks’ mom surprised the family w/ a dinner and a play package for the first Saturday in April. And according to the standard CNY schedule if the donor doesn’t get AF by Feb. 11 a 5 day transfer will put us having bed rest that weekend. I don’t care about missing the play even though it’s awesome and I want to see it, it’s more that MIL has spent the money and she might loose it. It’ll be fine but I’d really hate for that to happen. It would be so much better if she gets AF asap and we come back the day before and then get to enjoy the evening w/ the ILs. Of course if we end up w/ a 3dt it won’t matter or if they’re tinkering w/ the protocol for her. I just need to know. If it’s going to fall right around then I want to know asap so that MIL can possibly do something w/ the package and not waste it, maybe invite friends or sale them or something.

Not to mention the waiting is just driving me crazy. I am such an impatient person. I want this to happen already!

“One has to wait without impatience for what should come, and yet at the same time do everything within one's power as though one were impatient and as though one were solely responsible.”

No News

Still no news yet. Got more info from Pati though. According to bloodwork and E2 it should be anytime. fingers crossed it's soon b/c I'm going nuts waiting.

I did talk to the boss about my time off for the cycle, I didn't know how she'd respond but she was actually really supportive. Wished me luck and told me it was fine and just to get the FMLA paperwork from HR. You never know what to expect from her so I was pleasently surprised.

What did shock me is that she didn't know what IVF was (I left out the DE part while we're totally in the tell camp I don't really want work knowing the details) and neither did the woman in HR. I forget that most people have no clue. They simply decide to get pregnant and it happens. How I would love to live in that world.

A little Info

I cut out caffeine this weekend and it kicked my butt yesterday so I didn't update but I heard from Pati.

She said that the donor came in for her appointment and should be starting her period anyday. I asked when she thought the donor would start stims but she didn't say. She did say she'd be in touch once the donor starts AF. So I don't have much more info but I am very anxiously waiting to hear from her.

The waiting is even worse now if that's possible. I have e-mail on my cell and I must have checked it every 20 minutes today. I'll feel so much better once I know what to expect. The not knowing when things are going to happen is driving me crazy.

I also need to talk to my boss about the time off. Something I'm not looking forward too. I'm hoping she isn't difficult about it but if she is it might be the thing that pushes me to quit. It would be better if I could keep working but I'm not letting anything interfer w/ our cycle. I want a better idea of when I'll need time off before I discuss it w/ her.

So I wait and hope and impatiently look forward to knowing more.

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope”
- Alexandre Dumas Père

Time Marches On

I can't believe it'll be February tomorrow. Time has flown by so much quicker than I thought it would. Things are moving right along thankfully.

As for the cycle Pati e-mailed me; in response to yet another e-mail from me (she must be so tired of hearing from me by now); and said that the donor has an appointment Monday to access where she is in her cycle and she'll update me after that.

To top it off she said we could possibly be looking at er by the end of February, I thought we were looking at mid-march at the soonest so I'm bouncing off the walls right now. It's only a few weeks and it still might be later in March but it's so exciting to think that it could happen so soon!

I'm in a holding pattern as of now and am off hormone replacement therapy (hrt) which I hate. It makes my skin dry as well as all the other lovely menopausal type symptoms that go w/ lack of hormones. That's another reason I'd love for er to happen sooner rather than later, I'd be on hormones that much sooner.

I'll update once I hear something which should be Monday or Tuesday depending on what time the donor's appointment is.

the only thing that stays the same is everythingchanges, everything changes.
Tracy Lawrence

3 day weeks

This week rocks, we were off Monday so we spent a long weekend at the beach w/ my parents. We had such a great time. It was too cold for swimsuits but great for laying around reading, walking on the beach, and eating great seafood (so much for the diet).

To top off a great long weekend we have a family thing this weekend and I'm off on Friday. I get to have 4 days off and work 3 this week. It's going to make next week SOO hard but it'll be worth it.

As for the decision we decided to see what happens. Banks pointed out that CNY has a 0 interest payment plan that would make things much easier financially so that's a big plus in their favor. We want to see what happens though so I'll see what I hear this week and we'll go from there.

The waiting is starting to get to me. The anticipation of knowing it's going to be starting soon is keeping me on edge. I'll feel so much better once things are finalized one way or the other. I can't wait to get our cycle calendar and know when things are likely to happen. This not knowing is rough.

Every now and then go away and have a little relaxation. To remain constantly at work will diminish your judgment. Go some distance away, because work will be in perspective and a lack of harmony is more readily seen.
- Leonardo DaVinci

Thrown for a Loop

Holy Crow, I got the most interesting phone call today.
The RE I see for Turner’s is in an infertility clinic at a nearby hospital. They do DE cycles but we didn’t consider them b/c they anticipated a wait of a year before we’d be matched w/ a donor. I wasn’t willing to wait that long so we decided on CNY.
Apparently they considered our appointment where we got the bloodwork and what have you done as our consult and put us on the recipient list. Well I got a call out of the blue today from the DE nurse coordinator asking if we were interested in possibly cycling in April. She hadn’t matched us yet so it might be summer before we could cycle but we were next on the list so April was very possible. I told her yes we’d be interested in cycling in April and asked her when she’d know more and she said next week.
So now my mind is spinning. 1) should I have told her that we were in process elsewhere? 2) Is this a sign that we should cycle here? 3) OMG I’ve done nothing but research and evaluate clinics for the last 18 months and this happens throwing all of that out the window.

The pros to cycling there would be not having to travel, no having to take a week off, just 3 or 4 days for et/bedrest. Time off is less of an issue for me b/c mine carries over so I’m good but Banks gets a limited amount of time each year. We’d be able to save the cost of traveling. Wouldn’t have to deal w/ bedrest at a hotel, I could be in my own comfy room. I know I’d be more relaxed in that environment. I like the staff at the clinic, they are extremely helpful and after going there for 2+ years they know me and I know them.

Cons to cycling there are: They have lower success rates (that’s HUGE to me), they do the matching so have to say yes or no to the donor they offer (not big if I don’t like her we’ll just stay w/ CNY), They don’t do many de cycles a year so their experience is much less than CNY (slightly important to me).

Banks’ is in a meeting so I haven’t talked to him about it, and of course what he thinks is huge, especially since I don’t know what I think at the moment. Though I’m leaning towards seeing 1) if cycling in April is definite 2) what the donor is like and going from there. If we won’t be able to cycle till much later or the donor is unproven/has med history I don’t like I think staying w/ CNY makes the most sense. In the meantime any thoughts?

“A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes”
-Mark Twain

Books 2 & 3

Since I don't have any DE updates I'm updating on my 50 book goal.

I read "The Mysterious Affair at Styles" by Agatha Christie I enjoyed it. I think I'll read some more of the Poiroit books. It was an amusing and interesting read and I liked it.

I also reread "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella, I really like this book and it's a go to for a laugh.

Donor 2!

Donor choice 2 was aparrently meant to be. She cycled in Dec. w/ a BFP so she's on a break which would mean transfer in March (which we wanted) she wants to cycle again and she's physically a good match for me on top of everything else! She's also a single donor which I prefer, I was ok w/ split cycle but it definitely something else to worry about so that's great as well.

She's about my height (not many women are 5 ft) dark blonde, brown eyes (Banks' are)
She's proven and has a good health history. So all in all what we were looking for!

I'm thinking it was meant to be and that's a good sign.

I'm so excited. The plan is for me to let them know when we have AF and then we'll start the process in Feb. and transfer in March.

It's FINALLY happening, I can't believe it!

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods"
C.S. Lewis

Rollercoaster Ride

Well I talked to Pati this morning and everything was great until she e-mailed this afternoon to say that the donor we wanted called her back to tell Pati that she didn't want to cycle again.

I understand but I'm so dissapointed. It seemed like everything was falling perfectly into place.

The good news is that we found another donor we like and I'll try again tomorrow.

Donor Chosen!

Banks and I have chosen our donor. I'll call Pati tomorrow, Monday, and reserve her. She's pretty much exactly the donor we wanted but I'm trying not to get too excited until I talk to Pati and hear that it's all official and we're set to cycle.

I'll post more tomorrow after I've talked to Pati and confirmed everything.

Book 1

So I've completed 1 book towards my goal of 50.
It's a little romance "Just Wicked Enough" by Lorraine Heath. It's cute and an enjoyable light read.

Nothing big but I'm working on Outlander which is very long and wanted a quick read!